Expectations for Tonya Harding’s Dancing with The Stars Debut

Okay, people, we are only 9 days away from Tonya Harding’s sure to be spectacular debut on Dancing With the Stars: Athletes. While my money’s on Adam Rippon to take home the mirrorball trophy, my heart will always be #TeamTonya. So what can we expect from Tonya this season? I have some predictions:

Fierce Nails
If there’s one thing you can consistently count on from Tonya, it’s square cut, vibrantly colored nails. Sparkles may or may not be present.

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Incredible Soundtrack
Known for her performances to Tone Loc’s “Wild Thing” and the Theme from “Jurassic Park” I fully expect some badass song selections during her dances.

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Sequins
While it is no secret that the judges despised Tonya’s home-made and often-bedazzled costumes, I think DWTS is the moment for her style to really shine.

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Some Tumbles
The DWTS competition can be tough and Tonya tends to get in her head when she’s under pressure. When Tonya gets in her head, she falls. Maybe having a partner will benefit Tonya and help her not overthink her lifts.

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Inhaler
As one of the 25 million Americans with Asthma, I appreciate Tonya’s transparency with her inhaler use. Also, is she still a smoker? That probably didn’t help…

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Success Face
Tonya can’t hide it when she knows she’s done a good job. And who wants her too?? Hope we get to see our girl making a lot of this face!

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Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Deck the Halls

MERRY CHRISTMAS, VERY SPECIAL READERS! I was at a 7.5 hour long Christmas party last night, so I’m late on this post but it is still Christmas! So not too late!

So Will discovers that his youngest cousin, Ashley, isn’t very into Christmas. All of her friends are out of town, so she’s decided to make Christmas break interesting by learning a new word each day. Will is obviously concerned that she’s missing out on childhood, so he decides to make Christmas super special for her. He makes her write a letter to Santa even though she’s 10 and doesn’t believe.

He’s particularly bummed about the post-modern crystal nativity set, in which the baby Jesus is abstractly represented by a tiny disc. When he finds out that his aunt and uncle pay a store in Beverly Hills to decorate their home for them every year, Will opts to head to the story, pick up the decorations, and deck the halls with Ashley himself.

At the store he finds one measly box of sad, pretentious decorations, so he leaves them at the story and goes off in search of reindeer-worthy decor. The house is less minimalist-chic and more completely covered in candy canes:

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It isn’t long before the neighbors calling to complain about the “blinking Frosty the Snowman.” And Will threatens to fight one of the callers. Soon, an angry mob forms on the lawn. Carlton wants to solve the problem by “writing a few checks,” but his father opts for a rational discussion instead.

Ugh. The neighbors are complaining about property value and how these Christmas lights are ruining that. They suck.

As it turns out, Evander Holyfield (played by himself) is the neighbor that Will threatened to fight…so he quickly pretends that he never spoke to anyone on the phone.

Just then, a group of kids ring the door bell and sing carols. They’ve been driving around, looking at Christmas lights, and decided to sing carols at this house because they felt like it had the best decorations.

Just then Ronald Reagan (not played by himself) stops by to tell everyone how much he loves the lights because Nancy won’t let him decorate their house. So you know, if the Gipper approves, then I guess all of the other trickle-down aficionados have to play along too.

Very Special Lesson: “Happy Christmas to all and to all a goodnight!”

Full House: Our Very First Christmas Show

First of all, Happy Festivus everyone! I was so busy airing my grievances that I’m just now able to take a break and get this post up. I’m also didn’t bring my laptop with me because I didn’t want to haul it around in my luggage, so I was similarly delayed both by having to borrow a computer and my inability to remember my WordPress password.

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Okay, okay, let’s do this. The Tanners are taking a trip to Colorado and Stephanie does NOT want to go on the trip because Santa Claus won’t know where to find them. The obvious answer here is that there’s a lot of other magic kids buy into with Santa, so why shouldn’t he be able to track them down wherever they are? I mean the whole Santa figure is surprisingly omniscient: “he sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” That’s creepy, creepy stuff, man. The whole myth is a major invasion of privacy and yet we’ve somehow romanticized it because we’re materialistic creatures who like to rip open shiny, glittering packages.

On the plane, they bump into Danny’s co-host and Jesse’s future wife: Rebecca Donaldson. Jesse immediately asks her out while they’re in Colorado, and she’s like “nah, I’m just changing planes in Denver.” Stephanie and DJ get upgraded to first class, where Rebecca is also sitting because I guess she got $$.

Back in coach, Michelle pets a man’s toupée because she mistakes it for a kitty cat. He makes her cry. This is an excuse for the guys to sing “The Girl From Ipanema.” However, a giant snowstorm (that I guess NOAA failed notice) forces them to make an emergency landing in a dinky little airport in the middle of nowhere. Steph freaks out because SANTA WON’T FIND THEM OMG.

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So maybe now is a good time to be like, “Listen, honey. Christmas isn’t about presents. It’s about being stuck in an environment that you do not want to be in but you do it anyway because family.” Instead, they let her use the payphone to try to reach the North Pole.

But then we dive deeper into the realm of delusion because DJ (not knowing that the airline has lost the bag containing the gifts) decides to tell Stephanie that Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer has radar in his nose. So then Danny has to do a little damage control and say that the radar in Rudolph’s nose doesn’t always work, so Santa might take a few days to find them.

Meanwhile, Michelle keeps trying to pet that toupée. They really should take this kid to see an actual cat because she’s getting some pretty confused thoughts about what they look like.

Joey decides to dress up like Santa to talk to Stephanie and explain the present situation. (Because you know he just travels with a Santa Suit ugh this guy wtf.) This completely backfires when Michelle recognizes Joey, but Stephanie doesn’t. Feeling betrayed, she retreats back to the phone booth. (Twenty years later, I would love to be a fly on the wall of Stephanie Tanner’s therapy session.)

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Sick of the whining about presents, Jesse decides to rally the stranded travelers into singing carols and decorating a coat rack like a Christmas tree. Stephanie does not participate because she’s still chilling in the phone booth.

Jesse and Becky kiss under the mistletoe (that just happens to be hanging over an airport coffee vending machine), setting in motion the wheels of their future romance. (Do you think she’d do it all again if she knew that she’d have to move in with his brother-in-law’s family and live in an attic with her babies?)

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Then the REAL Santa shows up. He makes the presents reappear and leaves them a note on an ancient laptop.

Stephanie tells everyone she saw Santa flying away outside and they’re like “huh?” but decide to go open the presents rather than INVESTIGATING FURTHER! Then Stephanie sees a personalized note that no one else sees. (Man, now I really want to be a fly on the wall at her therapy sessions.)

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Very Special Lesson: Everyone on this show is telling me that airport Christmas is the best Christmas ever, but I’m suspicious.

 

Home Improvement: A Frozen Moment

Home Improvement was VERY dedicated to the Christmas episode, featuring one in each of their eight seasons. This was features a Christmas village — not a a cute little village that your grandma has on a table for the holiday season but a real human-sized Christmas village.

Tim wants the Taylors to dress up in costumes and take their Christmas card photo in the Christmas village. He’d also like to make it spaced themed. “Manager on the Moon.” He finally wins Jill over when he promises that they can do it her way next year if she doesn’t like how this year’s photo, which he promises to keep “tasteful and simple.”

For Tim, “tasteful and simple,” seems to mean dressing his children like elves, his wife like a sexy Mrs. Claus, and donning a Canadian Mountie outfit for himself. Sadly, the snow machine malfunctions and crashes into their glass door.

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So Jill takes over the Christmas card from this point on. (P.S. This episode is *technically* a Thanksgiving episode, which makes sense because most people take Christmas card photos around that time.)

The Taylors spend Thanksgiving with Tim’s Tool Time co-host, Al, and his girlfriend, an orthodontist who makes this joke:
“What do you call an animal that’s white and hairy and shaped like a tooth? A molar bear!”

In the end, the Taylors compromise by taking a normal Christmas photo (no creepy costumes) in the Christmas village. Sadly, this time Tim makes TOO Much snow and it all falls off the roof of the village and all over them. Oh well.

Very Special Holiday Lesson: It was the 90’s. There was nothing wrong with going to Sears Portrait Studio. Why complicate things?

Boy Meets World: Santa’s Little Helper

Mr. Feeney reads the class A Christmas Carol and discovers that Cory and Shawn really don’t get it because they keep expecting the Grinch to show up. He asks Topanga to switch seats with Cory (which she tries to do through transcendental meditation because she used to be New Age, remember) who describes A Christmas Carol as going to cool places with ghosts when you’re mean.

Topanga tries to explain to them the historical origins of Christmas and it’s evolution from the winter solstice tradition. (Uh-oh, I said Christmas, evolution, and solstice in the same sentence. I feel like someone isn’t going to like that.)

Cory is so certain that he’s getting a basketball for Christmas that he’s saved up money to buy his gift a gift, a $5 net (that’s $8.46 in today’s money, for those of you keeping track at home).

Meanwhile, poor little Morgan has been traumatized by a trip to the mall to visit Santa. Apparently, there was a mean elf and Santa had a heart attack right as Morgan was asking him for her present. So she thinks she killed him. (He’s actually alive, in the hospital, and intubated.) Yikes. People spend years in therapy for this kind of stuff.

When Cory arrives home from school, he immediately runs to the tree to see if there are any new presents to shake. AHHH WHAT A WONDER TIME OF LIFE THIS IS! He can’t wait to head over to Shawn’s because Shawn has been bragging about all the gifts under his Christmas tree. That’s when Cory’s dad tells him that Shawn’s dad lost his job, and Cory realizes that Shawn may be having a Christmas more on par with Tiny Tim’s than his own. (So I guess he did learn something from the book.) Cory decides to give Shawn one of the presents from under their tree since he’s no Scrooge.

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But when Cory gives Shawn the basketball, Shawn realizes he’s feeling sorry for him and he doesn’t like it. Cory says, “Christmas is about charity. You should be thanking me.” Mr. Feeney overhears from next door and tells Cory that “a true gift is given with no expectation” and that Cory “gave the gift to get the thanks.” He gives Cory the example of friendship as a true gift.

In a surprising turn of events, the mean elf shows up at the house to return their money since Morgan wasn’t able to take a photo with Santa. He also tells her father that he thinks she’s a demon child because Santa had a heart attack when she sat on his lap. Wow, harsh!

Meanwhile, at school, Shawn is embarrassed because he doesn’t have any money to contribute to Mr. Feeney’s Christmas gift. The little shit collecting the money at school, Minkus, says that he can’t put his name on the card without him contributing to the fun, even if he doesn’t have the money, so Cory tells him privately that Shawn lent him $5 which he had forgotten to return. Thus, Shawn is included and Cory’s gift is anonymous. The class gives Mr. Feeney a nice thick dictionary because they obviously think he has no interests outside of school.

When Shawn thanks Minkus for including his name on the card even though he didn’t contribute Minkus tells him not to thank him since Cory contributed the money that he owed Shawn. Realizing that Cory’s not a terrible person out for charity only to feel good about himself, he stops by Cory’s house to give him a basketball net.

At the end of the night, Mr. Feeney stops by the house dressed as Santa and tells Morgan that he is okay and that Mrs. Claus undercooked his figgy pudding, so none of this was Morgan’s fault. This makes Morgan feel better, but now she wants to know why Santa looks like Mr. Feeney!!

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Very Special Holiday Lesson: Mall Santas are always a bad idea. You’re not helping other people when you’re focused on making yourself look good.

Sabrina the Teenage Witch: A Girl and Her Cat

Sabrina is very upset with Salem because he ruined her favorite Christmas sweater. (Um, she’s a WITCH why can’t she just zap it back to perfection?) When Salem won’t say he’s sorry, the family leaves him alone to reflect on his actions (which no cat has ever done ever.)

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While Salem is in timeout, Sabrina goes to a pizza place to meet Harvey. Harvey gives Sabrina a silver choker for Christmas. Sabrina gives Harvey a scarf, but she notices that Salem has ripped up the wrapping and she gets mad again. Just as they are about to kiss under the mistletoe, Salem causes a ruckus. He’s snuck into the pizza place and is chasing a mouse. They get tossed out of the pizza place when Sabrina is accused of brining a cat into the building.

In the alley out back, Sabrina and Salem argue and he refuses to come home with her. Salem’s plan is to sulk for a while and make everyone worry about him before he makes his way home. But as he heads back to the house, a kid hits him with his bike. He’s worried about Salem, so he takes him home.

OMG THE GUY PLAYING THE KID’S DAD IS THE GUY WHO PLAYED THE DAD IN CLARISSA EXPLAINS IT ALL. IT’S A WEIRD CLARISSA/SABRINA REUNION!!!

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Salem manages to call Sabrina while the kid is away for a moment. He comes back into the room while Sabrina is on the phone and tells her that the cat his now DUN DUN DUN!

So they can’t use magic to find him because you have to wait 24 hours to file a missing witches report. This means they have to search for him “the mortal way.” But apparently the mortal way involves zapping Coolio out of an advertisement in the alleyway, so he can tell them what he saw.

Most importantly, poster-Coolio saw that the kid’s bike had a vanity plate that said “Rex,” so we at least know the youth’s name. Coolio points them in the right direction and they start going door to door. (There’s a lot of going door to door for pets in this year’s very special holiday season posts.)

Sabrina eventually find the right house, but Rex won’t give Salem back. So Sabrina disguises herself as Santa and gives the kid a spatula and a Neil Diamond box set, to which he replies, “Didn’t you get my fax?”

1996 A YEAR WHEN CHILDREN FAXED THEIR LETTERS TO THE NORTH POLE!

She tells him he’ll get more presents in the morning, but she’s really there–I mean SANTA is really there–to take the cat back because there was a mixup and he got the wrong cat. When he still refuses to return Salem, Sabrina grabs the cat and runs. So then the kid screams and cries, “SANTA STOLE MY CAT!” repeatedly until his mother comes running into the room.

His mother (who never knew about the cat, only his father knew) tells him that he must have had a bad dream because he doesn’t have a cat. So the little boy says, “I saw him. He was real. He game me this spatula.” His mother looks bewildered and this poor kid is probably going to need years of therapy…though he did steal a cat so maybe he needed years of therapy anyway and hopefully this will speed along that process.

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Very Special Holiday Lesson: As Salem says, “There are worse places to be during the holidays than with your family.”

Doug: Doug’s Christmas Story

Before we start, I need to inform you all that this is a VERY dramatic episode of Doug. It starts off with Doug’s dog Porkchop saving Beebe, the resident spoiled brat, from falling through thin ice and being FALSELY accused of biting her in the process. Her father has Pork Chop taken to the pound and presses charges against Doug.

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In an effort to clear Porkchop’s name, Doug goes door to door with a petition. Unfortunately, he has a lot of trouble getting anyone to sign it. With no one in the real world to help him, Doug strategizes with his imagination. He assembles the dream team of Smash Adams (A James Bond-type who looks like Doug), Quailman (A superhero who looks like Doug), and Race Canyon (an Indiana Jones-type who looks like Doug). They all have different suggestions for Doug, but he decides to go with Smash Adams’s idea to get Porkchop out with some “high-tech gadgetry.” A pair of twins (whose names I cannot remember) help him out with a smoke bomb designed as a cupcake.

While his BFF Skeeter creates a diversion, Doug sneaks into the restricted area of the pound. Meanwhile, the security guard takes a bite out of the smoke bomb, whoops. And just before he can get to Porkchop, the guard kicks Doug out of the pound.

Finally, it is Porkchop’s day in court (and the poor thing has to wear a muzzle). Porkchop is able to communicate to Doug that he needs to go to the lake, but Doug has trouble convincing the court. This leads to Doug giving an impassioned speech about how Porkchop is a part of his family, just like Beebe is a part of he family. And the judge is all like “he’s just a dog.” And Doug proclaims that Porkchop is also a part of the community.

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Here is a short list of all the things Porkchop has done for humans:
-Babysat a couple of kids while their mom was out of town on an overnight trip
-Showed up with a hammer and nails to help some neighbors rebuild their home the morning after it burned down (he also brought cookies)
-Fixed a transmission
-Lent someone $20 bucks
-Taught a child to walk again after a devastating accident

This convinces everyone to go to the lake where Beebe recreates her steps. Porkchop starts to freak out again when she nears the thin ice, but guards hold him back. So she falls in and almost drowns. Luckily, Porkchop is able to break away from him restraints and jumps into the water to save her.

Porkchop is exonerated and hailed as a hero of his community. To repay Porkchop for how poorly they treated him, the whole town hosts a dinner for all of the dogs in the pound.

Very Special Holiday Lesson: Well, this is now my favorite Christmas episode ever. I don’t think I even need to watch any others (but I will because I promised you seven). Just remember, if you’re getting a puppy for Christmas, it’s a long-term commitment and if you’re not willing to stand by that dog through his wrongful imprisonment and come to his defense in a kangaroo court, then you should probably buy the new iPhone this holiday season instead.