The Golden Girls: The Monkey Show

Today’s contribution goes to Meals on Wheels because one day, if we’re lucky, we’ll all be as old as the Golden Girls, but we may not all be so lucky as to have amazing roommates. Meals on Wheels provides companionship and nourishment to our most vulnerable elders.

Dorothy and Stan are seeing a therapist together, which has created a situation in which Stan has transferred his feelings for Dorothy to a surrogate–a fake monkey, to be exact. (More on this later.)

Meanwhile, Rose has gotten 8 hours of television airtime for a telethon to save a lighthouse. She asks the girls to help her get everything organized.

Furthermore, Dorothy’s sister, Gloria, pops by for a visit and major sibling rivalry ensues.

This is a two-parter and we already have an A, B, and C-plot. Are you keeping up? I want to make sure we’re all on the same page, so please take a moment to review.

Okay, you good?

Gloria tells Dorothy that she’s not a real teacher because she’s just a substitute. Rude. I don’t understand why family members come into your home and just think they can get away with insulting you. Like you MAY be my flesh and blood, but you’re still in my home and you need to GTFO if you’re going to be rude.

Then Stan shows up with the (fake) monkey. Gloria is there to see all of this of course, and Dorothy doesn’t miss the opportunity to let Stan know that Gloria has run out of money, which Stan mistakes for “monkey,” and he somehow manages to become more possessive of the fake monkey than he was before. He doesn’t hang around for long though because he has an important business dinner, where he plans to seat the monkey with “the other wives.”

The monkey is some fake fur and a little plush face wrap around an orange traffic cone, just so you have an accurate mental picture. Oh wait, here’s a real picture:

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Dorothy is delighted that Stan is into a traffic cone these days and therefore leaving her alone. Sophia pressures her to use this extra non-Stan time to bond with her sister. But instead Dorothy decides to pour salt into her wounds.

Okay, sometimes I forget that Dorothy was horrible and mean because she was the funniest one on that show. But when she offers to give Gloria some romantic advice, everyone laughs at her…because her ex-husband is in love with a fake monkey. So yeah. Maybe she doesn’t have the best taste.

And then Stan transfers his love for Dorothy from the monkey to Gloria. Here’s the SFW version of what happened between them:

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Oh and by the way, there’s a hurricane on the way. So we’ve got: sibling rivalry and romantic transgressions, fake monkey love, a save the lighthouse telethon, and a hurricane. Sophia is very excited about (potentially dying in) the hurricane*:
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Finally, it’s time for the telethon. And none of the acts can make it. DUE TO THE HURRICANE. So Blanche and Rose set out to do everything themselves. Rose sings a lovely song from Minnesota, called “I Never Thought I’d Grow A Hair there.”

But the only pledges this earns are a $20 and a $50 from Sophia who will only make the donations if Rose stops playing.

After a very sad performance from their only act to show up (a man who impersonates crickets) Rose receives word that they’ve been taken off the air and that the studio is going to be used as a hurricane shelter.

Meanwhile, Dorothy finds Gloria and Stan in bed together again. Oh and I might add that they are in Dorothy’s bed. Ewwwwww.

Oh my gosh, I’m sorry. Let me back up. Dorothy discovered right after she found them together the first time that Sophia had actually tried to set Gloria up with Stan. I say “tried” but maybe I should say “Sophia had successfully set up one of her daughters with her other daughter’s ex-husband.” Sophia then runs off and did I mention that there is a hurricane???

So now Dorothy is frantic, but she really shouldn’t be. Sophia is chilling with her brother Angelo. Angelo tells her she was out of line with the whole Stan thing (duh) and they decide to head to the shelter. Alas, a tree has fallen and trapped them in the house!

Back at the shelter, Stan confesses that he was only with Gloria and the monkey (uh, okay) to make Dorothy jealous. Ugh, poor Gloria. Her mom sets her up with her sister’s ex and he’s just using her to make her sister jealous. But then again, now that I’ve written the previous sentence, I’m not sure why Gloria felt like hooking up with Stan was ever a good idea in the first place.

Oh and remember how Sophia was trapped in that house with Angelo? She’s fine. She literally just walked into the shelter. She makes the girls hug by threatening them with running away into the storm again. (Remember that morbid shirt from earlier??)

Also, remember that targeted advertising I discussed several posts ago? Well, I’ll have you know that I saw a pregnancy test commercial at every single break in this two-part episode. So…not quite sure what to make of that.

*SEE it ain’t easy being an older adult, scroll on up to that Meals on Wheels donation link.

Saved by the Bell: Save the Max

Today’s charitable donations will go to your local public radio station! Follow this link to find your local NPR station and make a one-time or recurring donation.

screen2bshot2b2014-09-012bat2b6-03-432bpmWhile trespassing in a closed off area of Bayside High School, Zack and Screech uncover a radio station, KKTY. The gang heads to The Max to plan out what each of their respective roles in the revived radio station will be. But when they get their order they find their burgers to be like 1/5 of the standard size. (Like if you order a quarter pounder and then someone brought you one single White Castle burger.)

Max explains that he’s had to make some cuts do to rising costs and everyone is extremely sympathetic, despite the fact that they’ve probably all paid 5 times too much for the amount of meat they’re getting. GUESS THERE’S NO STRESS WHEN YOU’RE USING MOMMY AND DADDY’S MONEY. But I digress.

Then they all talk about how no one has seen Max’s dog in a while and they wonder what could have happened to it, as they look suspiciously at their tiny burgers. Wait, SERIOUSLY, Saved by the Bell? A dog meat joke? This is TOO dark for your fare. I’m still having nightmares about that episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and now you just had to go and stir up my PTSD.

The lone investigative journalist at the station (Jesse Spano, obviously) uncovers a hot story when she discovers that the Bayside School District is Max’s landlord. The district plans to turn The Max into a parking lot if Max doesn’t pay $10,000 in back rent by the end of the week. Woah, woah, woah. That place is ALWAYS full. I know. I’ve been there. How the heck did Max mismanage his finances so badly?

Also, this school district owns a restaurant and an oil field? WHAT IS UP WITH THIS TOWN??

Anyway, the kids report this news on the radio without getting Principal Belding’s approval first (thus violating the terms of their radio station agreement). Zack senses something behind the principal’s outrage about potentially losing his job because he let a bunch of kids trash talk the school board on the radio, so Jesse starts investigating Belding. Eventually, she finds something. And just in case you forgot that it was “okay” to make rape-y jokes on television in the early 90’s:

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As it turns out, Belding got in trouble in high school for mooning the school board. Seems like he and Zack had a lot more in common than we thought! Belding, the original DJ of KKTY, protested the school board’s ban on long hair and jeans (hence the mooning), which lead to the station’s demise.

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Hey, hey, hey slow down here. First of all, there are REAL things to protest other than not getting to wear jeans and saving some unsustainable business. I mean really, Belding? You went to high school in the 60’s and your biggest concern was that your school board didn’t want you to have long hair? Sounds like a selfish jackass to me. I guess he and Zack really are the same. So Belding agrees to help with the radiothon. (RADIOTHON! Now this post makes sense, right???)

Screen Shot 2017-05-10 at 8.33.02 PMOn a side note, I dig this sweater that one of the extras is wearing at the radiothon. Can any Etsy friends hook me up with a similar look?

So pretty much the radiothon is just their regular radio show but in person and at The Max. I’d say that’s pretty weak in terms of a fundraiser. Lisa starts auctioning of gossip, Screech does a bad Al Bundy impersonation, and Slater pledge’s his life savings of $100.

Oh yeah, Slater’s at home instead of at the radiothon because he sucked at being on the radio. It’s a whole B-plot that I just didn’t go into.

When Zack loses his voices and everyone else falls asleep, Slater shows up and takes over the radiothon hosting. He makes a motivational speech (see below) and the phones start ringing off the hook.

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Sounds like it’s time for a group high-five!

Tender Wings of Desire

Very Special Readers, I finally found my dream job. AND IT IS TAKEN! I hope the ghostwriter of Tender Wings of Desire appreciates the perfection that is being paid to write a romance novel about Colonel Sanders.

Special for Mother’s Day, KFC has published Tender Wings of Desire: A Colonel Sanders Novella. You can download it for free on Amazon and 100 lucky people will be selected to receive a hard copy on Facebook.

Check out the promo video here:

I never imagined anyone would dream of making sweet, sweet love to Colonel Sanders. But KFC went there and I APPLAUD THEM FOR IT.

I’m several chapters into the novella and it’s not what I expected. I thought it would be like set in rural America (right)? But no, it’s all about a Downton Abbey-type lady who runs away from her arranged marriage to become a barmaid in a small fishing village. (The tavern’s owners are surprisingly chill with her lack of domestic skills.) It’s through her new job that she meets the Colonel, who heads out to sea with career fisherman for the fun of it.

I haven’t finished the whole thing, but it seems very PG. The riskiest thing to happen thus far is some serious kissing and chapped lips. I’m pretty sure it won’t progress any farther than that because THIS IS A FAMILY RESTAURANT, PEOPLE. So if you’re into romance novels, then I’m not sure I can recommend it as traditional romance novel fare, per se. But I can say that you better read this is you love absurd pop culture humor (me) or love chicken (me) or love Americana (me).

Plus, it’s free. It’s literally free.

Full House: Our Very First Telethon

Today’s charitable contributions will go to Girl Scouts in NYC Shelters. You can follow the link here to donate, and check out this link to donate. And check out this article from the New York Times about Troop 600, the first troop formed in a shelter.

All of the Tanners are volunteering at “We Love Our Children Telethon 90.” Their goal is to raise 1 million dollars to purchase new equipment for the children’s health center. And they only have 24 hours to do it!

Sadly, the children will have to rely on donations from viewers regaled by the comedic stylings of Joey Gladstone. (Thankfully, the woodchuck does not appear.) He also performs a little magic (illusions) with Rebecca. It is pretty bad, but at least it cut short his stand-up routine. But then he botches the routine, leaving Rebecca to sing a duet with Danny while stuck in the Zig Zag Illusion box.

We get a quick montage of other acts to demonstrate that not every single performance is brought to you by people who live in the same house. The montage also shows the Tanner girls going home to get some rest (just in case you felt like there might be any child labor law violations afoot). Then it’s back to the Tanners. Danny falls asleep in the middle of hosting, so Michelle takes over and sings a very adorable version of the “Itsy Bitsy Spider,” joined by Jesse and the Rippers.

Rebecca has gone home for a nap and Danny has passed out on stage (pretty weak hosting), so Michelle starts to sing the alphabet to fill time. What are we to do??

Thankfully, Stephanie Tanner volunteers to perform her “Love Shack” dance, which some of you may remember from its “Hotline Bling” revival. But here is the original:

Then DJ sings “Lollipops and Gummy Bears” to Michelle, a performance that Candace Cameron Bure reportedly hated. But honesty, it’s cute and she sings better than she thinks she does. I feel like this must have been planned though right? Am I supposed to believe DJ Tanner had this song choreographed and ready to go and just so happened to be available to fill in when her dad fell asleep? That’s far-fetched even by Full House standards. I mean, she’s no Stephanie. Come on.

My personal favorite part is when Kimmy Gibbler’s mom calls and pledges $200 if they let Kimmy ride her unicycle.screen-shot-2011-07-05-at-8-41-00-pm

Still, there’s very little time left in the telethon and the Tanners haven’t met their goal. But don’t worry, Mike Love heard that they may need a little help with their telethon and he decided to stop by to sing “Be True to Your School.”

I would really love to know why this episode exists in the Full House cannon. Was it a slow day in the writers room or was the cast itching to put on a talent show? If you have the answer, let me know in the comments.

P.S. I didn’t link to Joey’s awful rendition of Aerosmith’s “Janie’s Got a Gun.” You’re welcome.

That Time America Forget The Letter “E.”

If this isn’t proof that we need Sesame Street, I’m not sure what is.

As I’m sure all citizens of the internet are now aware, today is May 1st. But lest we forget, Justin Timberlake was not the only American pop star of the late 90’s who couldn’t remember his vowel sounds.

Perhaps, the worst offender is Mandy Moore. And she can’t even get a cool meme out of her “COME TO MAYYYYY” chorus. Also, has anyone else noticed that she doesn’t really dance in this video? It’s a lot of quick jump cuts to give the impression that she’s dancing, but no actual dancing occurs.

Of course, it always comes back to Britney doesn’t it? She does remember how to say “me,” but she seems to forget how to pronounce baby, saying instead “bay-bay” or as my friend insisted in 1999, “baybin’ baybin’.”

Shout out to Christina Aguilera for remember how to pronounce the letter “E” in all every word of “Genie in a Bottle.” P.S. I thought this song was about kissing and I’m pretty sure that my parents only let me listen to it because they didn’t want to have to correct my perception of the lyrics.

A Very Special Telethon (Kind Of)

As I previously mentioned, Telethon episodes of sitcoms hold a special place in my heart. So I’m going to hold my own. But without a television. And on the internet. Also you don’t have to pledge anything (unless you want to and not to this blog). Every Friday in May, I’ll feature a telethon episode while making a donation to a different 501(c)(3) non-profit each day. I’ll also provide information for you to donate too if you’d like. I’m not talking big $$$ here. But if we all give a little, we can do a lot.

My Boyfriend’s Back

Join me as we travel down the rabbit hole of a terrible, weird movie from 1993, featuring early appearances from great actors who would go on to do great things and never ever mention this film on their resumes again. Oh and just in case this review gives you a hankering to relive your prom days, be sure to check out Mix Tape & Cupcakes’s Prom Night nostaliga playlist.

A week ago, I saw The Cutting Edge, for the first time. I have to say that I LOVED it and I want moooore. So I decided to watch one of the movies that Amazon recommends for people who have just watched The Cutting Edge. And that lead me to this:

I felt compelled to watch it because I had once considered writing a Zombie rom-com in college, but I was too busy partying (and studying!) to actually write script. My idea wasn’t exactly like this. It was going to be a meet-cute situation immediately preceding a Zombie apocalypse and then the couple from the meet-cute would reconnect as Zombies and have to deal with the ups and downs of a new romance while also dealing with being the undead.

PLUS, Edward Hermann from Gilmore Girls is in My Boyfriend’s Back so I obviously HAD to watch it.

Anyway, this movie is all about this boy who has loved this girl, Missy, since childhood, which seems sweet except that he’s a major creeper:

I think we are supposed to feel like it’s not a big deal that he’s a major creep because he’s dreaming in the scene above, but I’m still going to hold it against him. Like THAT is how you dream of talking to the person you’ve been in “love” with for years?

psh300x220_zps8b8dae3fI almost stopped the movie here. The dude sucks and everyone is dressed like they are in a bad Twin Peaks knock-off. But then Phillip Seymour Hoffman shows up as a jock-lackey and I’m intrigued enough to continue.

Things take a turn for the creepy again when our “protagonist” (ugh, can we call him that?) concocts a plan, which he describes as “swashbuckling, romantic, daring,” and which I describe as “something that could land you in jail or at least with a hefty restraining order but nope probably just jail.” The plan is to have his friend, Eddie, pretend to try to kill Missy. Then McCreeper (not even going to learn his real name) can save her life and make her fall in love with him.

I’m not sure why he’s participating because Eddie seems to be right on the money with this analysis:

Unfortunately, Eddie isn’t able to carry out his side of the plan because a real robber shows up. This man doesn’t sound at all like Eddie. His eyes are also a different color. Yet McCreeper is apparently too stupid to realize that this is not his friend. He acts like he’s tough stuff and starts to fight off the robber. He eventually realizes that this isn’t Eddie, but he still jumps in front of what he must now know is an actual bullet. As he dies, McCreeper asks Missy out to prom and she says yes.

Now things get interesting. Before, things were sad and creepy and not funny. But then McCreeper comes back from the dead, so yeah. I’m kind of interested to see where this goes. As McCreeper heads home from his grave, a gravedigger tells him that he’s now a member of the “undead” and is supposed to NEVER leave the cemetery. But McCreeper’s parents are surprisingly chill with the whole thing:

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I start to understand the gravedigger’s warning when McCreeper tries to eat Eddie’s arm for lunch instead of the cafeteria food. Being the McCreeper that he is, he doesn’t seem disturbed by this new development. However, he’s very upset that Missy no longer seems interested in going to prom with him. I shouldn’t be surprised that this narcissistic a-hole can’t tell the difference between a deathbed promise and actual romantic love, but I’m too far into the film to stop now, so I proceed against my better judgement.

Screen Shot 2017-04-15 at 12.26.18 PMMissy starts to tell him off, but then her boyfriend interrupts and tells her that she’s not allowed to talk to the dead kid because she’s ruining their reputations. She claims that McCreeper is “actually a nice guy” and decides to go out with him to spite her boyfriend. Wow, I mean this girl really has a warped view of the word “nice”. I wish I could jump into this film and stage an intervention for her.

Let me take a moment to say that the Amazon algorithm is terribly flawed. My Boyfriend’s Back is NOT like The Cutting Edge. Even though The Cutting Edge has some hints of influence from The Taming of the Shrew, it is ultimately an empowering tale of self-confidence, trust, and toe axels. But there’s still a small chance Missy could tell everyone to go to hell, right?

Screen Shot 2017-04-16 at 12.35.31 PMMeanwhile, Missy and McCreeper go on their first date to a Zombie movie. (Ugh, too on the nose.) And all of the kids sitting near them start talking about how she’s stepping out on her boyfriend. I’m soooo over it, but then I notice that one of them is Matthew Mcconaughey! While the kids are talking shit, Missy and McCreeper are bonding over Jujubes. She gets some stuck in her teeth and he tells her to drink some soda. “I can’t believe that you came up with a whole system for this,” she says. WTF girl, you’ve never heard of drinking a soda before? I’m getting worried about Missy. I’m starting to think she’s been living in this misogynistic town for so long that she’s thinking she needs to let McCreeper think he’s smart. And he’s so NOT smart that the best she can offer is applauding his Jujube eating skills.

After the movie, Missy and McCreeper make out and his ear falls off. He immediately rushes to the doctor. (He’s already dead and decaying, so I’m not sure that this will help.) He asks the doctor to set him up with some medicine to prevent decay, but all he can do is offer him some glue for his ear. He does also put him in touch with a local woman who’s husband also came back from the dead 15 years ago. (Hm, I’m surprised that didn’t come up earlier. You’d think people might have been talking about that more.)

The woman is Cloris Leachman! Sadly, Cloris tells him that the only way he can live long enough to attend the prom is to start eating people. Yep, he needs to go FULL zombie. One bite equals 20 minutes of non-decay. McCreeper, to his credit, is conflicted about this. But he lucks out when Philip Seymour Hoffman catches him cheating with Missy and tries to kill him with an axe. Sadly, Philip Seymour Hoffman is playing a total idiot and accidentally axes himself instead of McCreeper. McCreeper starts chowing down in the middle of the hall and then thing becomes a news sensation. Also, it makes Missy not want to go to the prom with him anymore.

At this point, I’d have to say that McCreeper’s parents have totally lost their minds, most likely from the trauma of their son dying and then returning as the undead. McCreeper’s mom has decided to kidnap small child for “lunch”. I’m pretty sure even fans of Jonathan Swift’s A Modest Proposal would find this very dark.

Screen Shot 2017-04-16 at 4.27.55 PMAs it turns out, this kid is Philip Seymour Hoffman’s younger brother. So their dad is understandably PISSED to an extreme level. But when he and some guys from the neighborhood come over to shoot McCreeper (apparently, forgetting he’s already dead) McCreeper’s mom very sweetly threatens them WITH A SHOTGUN. What the hell am I watching??

After the altercation in his living room, McCreeper tracks down Missy at a hair salon and tells her that he only ate Philip Seymour Hoffman so that he could be with her–an absolutely horrifying statement that Missy finds romantic:

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So far the only thing I’ve learned from this movie is that Missy has an incredibly low self-esteem.

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By the time prom rolls around, Missy’s parents have adamantly told her that she cannot go out with a dead kid. As Missy prepares to sneak out of the house, McCreeper tries to eat her shoulder. Sadly, Missy was willing to go out with him even though he tried to eat her alive, but McCreeper doesn’t think it’s worth the risk.

Oh hey, remember that doctor from way earlier in this movie/post? He may just be a small town doctor, but he’s just discovered a way to resurrect the dead! But he doesn’t actually want to use this modern miracle on McCreeper. No, he wants to use McCreeper to make this serum and then market it as a cosmetic treatment. He tricks McCreeper with the promise of a cure and tries to harvest his zombified skin in his lab. Luckily, Eddie and Missy save him when the doctor steps away to answer the door.

That knock at the door? It was an angry mob with a battering ram. The mob chases McCreeper to the cemetery where Missy comes to his aid once again. You know, it’s all fun and games over here, but someone basically remade this a few years ago and everyone loved it. I think it was called Twilight.

Missy and McCreeper finally make it to prom, where he collapses and disintegrates into smoke. He finally makes it to the afterlife only to discover that there has been a clerical error. He was meant to have a near-death experience instead of a death experience.

Suddenly, McCreeper is zapped back to the night of the incident. He’s shot but survives only to find that he was saved by the bullet hitting a locket he intended to give Missy in the first grade, which he is now magically wearing. But hey other magic things in this movie happened, so oh well. He confesses his feelings and Missy thinks it’s cool that this guy she barely knows is wearing a locket containing pictures of them as six-year olds. Yikes.

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Final Thoughts: I think this was trying to be funny in a Heathers kind of way. It failed. But they do have comic-book style scene transitions and I thought that was kind of fun.

P.S.: I promised you a very special series announcement a couple of posts ago. That announcement will be happening on April 28th, so check back then!