Cradle of Conspiracy

Cradle_of_Conspiracy_posterYouTube does not have the first part of this movie, but let me briefly summarize the first ten minutes of every Lifetime drama. There is a girl (Danica McKellar/Winnie Cooper from The Wonder Years) who comes from a nice family but is bored with her home life. Aside from her strict parents, life is great. Then she dates some boy that they do not approve of. This “boy” looks (may actual be) twenty-five and her mom notes that he seems too old (probably because he is a creepy baby snatcher). This is a movie about a creepy baby snatcher.

Danica plays a really naïve girl. She dates a creepy dude who is all like I totally understand you and nothing bad will every happen with me, which of course means he is manipulating her and all of the bad things will happen. Danica seems to be a student of the fingertip-method. She’s constantly rubbing the creepers back and right now she seems to be playing with his chest hair, which I do not appreciate.

She gets pregnant almost immediately, which you should have expected because this movie is about cradles. And conspiracies. Kenny (that’s the baby snatcher’s name) tells her from the comfort of his trailer that he does not want her to have an abortion because he is personally opposed to it (so glad he has an opinion) and that he will take care of everything. (He kind of does if “taking care” means baby stealing).

On Danica’s seventeenth birthday her parents give her a prized family heirloom (one year ahead of schedule) and tell her that she’s the perfect child. This loving home environment creates an intense amount of pressure, and she runs away instead of confiding them. She brings a stuffed animal with her because she is still a child herself!kenny

Kenny convinces her to give the baby up for adoption because the two of them are not ready to be parents. He then takes her to a very sketchy motel in Louisiana full of pregnant ladies just waiting to give their babies away. She even meets one lady who has no other place to go, so she stays at the motel and keeps having babies for the adoption agency via artificial insemination (which creepily reminds me of The Giver).

Danica’s parents eventually find out from her best friend that she has answered an ad in the newspaper. They manage to find the ad and contact the local authorities, who inform them that the adoption agency is fake and that they are really selling babies. They arrange a phone rendezvous, but Danica’s dad ruins the whole thing by telling her that Kenny is going to jail because he got some other girl pregnant and tried to steal her baby. Things get really weird when the baby snatchers straight up murder a girl who accused them of stealing her babies. Then Kenny tells Danica that they have to run away because she’s a runway and runaways go to jail for running away. She’s more naïve than I thought because she believes him completely. Luckily, the cops show up right as they flee the building.

Then Danica’s mom tries to make her keep the baby. (She’s overbearing in case you forgot). She even brings the kid that Danica wanted to put up for adoption into the hospital room to hang out for a while. I guess she wants her to think about her decision, but it kind of seems like she’s not respecting her decision. So it turns out that the reason her mom has been freaking out about keeping the baby is that she was also a teen mom and her parents made her give up the kid. She tells Danica that this horrible experience was what made it so important to her to give Danica a choice. But really it seems like she decided that she wanted a baby and kept being like hey let’s keep my grandchild, hey let’s bring my grandchild home, hey let me tell you this heart-wrenching story from my youth while I’m bottle feeding the baby you didn’t want to have.

hqdefault (1)The next day, Danica is okay with being a mom because she has to comfort her crying baby when no one else is at home to do so. Then Kenny shows up at the house and literally snatches the baby from her arms. And by literally snatches, I mean she hands the baby over to him because he is the dad. Ugh, look I get it at first, but this is ridiculous. You are such an idiot, Danica! The cops pull Kenny over for speeding and recover the baby. Then she gives him a mushy speech about family that obviously means nothing to him. She buys him off with a ring and he gives up custody.

Very Special Lesson: I think there are a few lessons we can all learn from this. Number one, don’t become impregnated by a sociopath and (if you do) do not follow said sociopath across state lines. Secondly, do not put undue expectations on your teenagers, though it’s probably a bit of an extreme reaction for them to become impregnated by sociopaths and cross state lines. Finally, do not live vicariously through your pregnant teen daughter to fill the void of the baby you lost, even though she seemed cool with keeping the kid after you already made her take it home.

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4 thoughts on “Cradle of Conspiracy

  1. Lifetime movies are always strange, but seeing them stripped down to an outline just emphasizes the strangeness. It also makes you realize that, though they look slightly different now, they really haven’t changed the format of them much at all over the past twenty or so years.

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