Baywatch: Silent Night, Silent Baywatch

Do you ever feel like something is missing from your life, and you just can’t put your finger on it? That something is the Baywatch Christmas episode. This is actually a two-parter, but I can only take so much Baywatch so I will only be reviewing the second part of this classic tale of loan sharks, child con-artists, and ridiculously sexy lifeguards. Or as I like to call it, the true meaning of Christmas.

So this all begins with the child con-artist falling off a pier and being rescued by the Baywatch life guards. You see, the kid is a con-artist with a heart of gold. She’s just trying to steal money to bail her mom out of prison. And that’s why we care about whether she lives or dies.

The lifeguards save the dying child with some CPR (they have an unusually high success rate) and their technique is so good that no other medical attention is necessary. Anyway, the reason that the kid fell off the pier in the first place is that some creepy thug man was following her due to her involvement in illegal activities. But she’s so young and innocent that she wishes Santa would bring her mom home for Christmas. (She lost the money she stole to bail her mom out when she hid it in a bunch of Christmas packages).

David Hasselhoff (is that how you spell his name? I don’t care enough to actually find out) promises to call Santa. Then if we weren’t primed for a very special lesson enough already, David Hasselhoff catches her smoking a cigarette because she can’t sleep and we get to talk about the dangers of smoking! We are less than eleven minutes in to this show, people. Can you handle it? Ultimately, DH decides to go for the harm-reduction method and trades the kid some greasy potato chips for the pack of cigarettes.

Then some women ask DH to chose between them and I stopped paying attention because I don’t have time for this shit.

In the meantime, DH has bailed the con-artist’s mom out of jail, and if they just give back the money then everything will be fine. The only problem is that the kid says she dropped it off of that pier.

Also, Pam Anderson is in love with a priest. Guys, I wish I had been a Baywatch writer. The options were limitless. Can you imagine how creative you could be? And so many people watched this that you just know those people did pretty well for themselves.

Then there is something about people with dwarfism being mistaken for Santa’s elves, which would maybe be forgivable if done so by a small child instead of a twenty year-old protector of beach-goers. But then it turns out they really are Santa’s elves? So this is weird.

You know, I had a classmate in second grade who was only allowed to watch two hours of TV per day and she saved if for back to back episodes of Baywatch. At eight, I thought that was risqué, but watching this now I think all of these plots are written at a second grade reading level, so her television habits make a lot more sense in retrospect.

Then the lifeguards spray something that looks like the foam from a fire extinguisher all over the beach, so that they can have a white Christmas. I can’t help but wonder, is this eco friendly? In the midst of this probably-not-safe-for-the-ocean foam party, the creepy dude from the pier shows up and Santa’s elves chase him down. They disarm him by throwing Christmas gifts at him and then a man in a Santa suit (the REAL Santa, perhaps?) arrests him.

Meanwhile, back at the party, the priest that Pam Anderson is in love with opens the box with the stolen money in it, and the con-artist mom decides that letting that money go to the church is the perfect opportunity for a new start for her and her daughter.

Very Special Lesson: There were quite a lot in here let me see if I can remember them all:
-Don’t steal
-Don’t smoke cigarettes
-Do cover the beach in weird foam
-Do accuse strangers of being elves because they probably really are
-Do track down potential attempted-murderer of child con-artist even though you have no legal jurisdiction
-Do send said elves to attack said attempted-murderer of child con-artist
-Post bail for strangers as long as they have a cute dependent child, whom you have kept in your care even though you are not a foster parent or group home provider.

What did I just watch?

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