You may have heard by now that Netflix is definitely producing a sequel to Full House, in which D.J. Tanner “Fuller” is a single mom of two kids with another one on the way. One of her children is named J.D. because apparently those Tanners are obsessed with the letters D and J. Will they call him “Jeed” like they called D.J. “Deej”?
To make things even more depressing than losing a spouse with three youngsters, D.J. loses her spouse while pregnant. This of course means that her sister Stefanie and her bff Kimmy Gibbler (also a single mom) have to move in together in one San Francisco home! It also may mean that it’s bad luck to get pregnant with a Tanner thrice. It may mean you’ll die tragically.
Since I’ve been reviewing a lot of Full House very special episodes over the lifespan of this blog, I feel that this entitles me to predict a few episodes.
Episode 1.1: DJ is totally bummed that the father of her 2.5 children has passed away, leaving her with nothing but a victorian home and broken dreams. So she invites her sister and bff to move in. I mean it worked her her dad when he tragically lost his spouse, right? Except Kimmy and Stephanie don’t get along and neither do the kids. And it’s so zany! Everyone divides the house into their respective area where no one else is allowed. Maybe they use a lot of masking tape to demonstrate these boundaries. But at the end of the day they realize they’re all from broken families just trying to make it together in this cruel, unpredictable world.
Episode 1.4: Uncle Jesse and Aunt Becky guest star. We thankfully do not see their obnoxious twin children. Uncle Jesse gives Stephanie a pep talk about her struggle to become a professional singer. Stephanie realizes she was at her best when performing with her archenemy Kimmy. The two overcome their differences and decide to reform Girl Talk only to discover at their first rec center concert that the crowd thought they were seeing DJ Gregg Gillis aka “Girl Talk.”
Episode 1.12: Kimmy’s teenage daughter tries [insert controlled substance here] for the first time and all of the adults sit her down for a big talk. The message really hits home though when it turns out that neurotic youngest child Max really looks up to her and is disappointed by her actions.
Episode 1.17: Steve Hale has moved back to San Francisco and is looking to date D.J. again. Even though she lives with two other adult women and 3 children and is pregnant. But D.J. just isn’t sure she can handle it all!! Their on again/off again romance continues into the 21st century.
Episode 1.22: In the first season finale, D.J. gives birth to her dead husband’s child. The entire Tanner family rushes to be by her side, including youngest Tanner, Michelle–who has been recast by a nondescript blonde actress who we never see again. D.J. asks her to get her some ice while at the hospital and recast-Michelle says, “You got it dude,” to the tune of a laugh track. Due to poor audience reception, this is the only time we will see recast-Michelle and she will be “put on a bus” for the rest of the series.
Like when they tried to replace Jan in The Brady Bunch Variety Hour.
In other reboot news, this is happening. Just accept it. Everything is being rebooted. Is this a sign of the apocalypse?