Family Ties: Birth of a Keaton

Okay, kids. I gotta be honest, I’m phoning this one in. I started a new job this week (WOOHOO CORPORATE HEALTH INSURANCE PLAN!!!) Tonight (yes, I am speaking to you from the past), I planned to work on this, but I ended up chatting with my BFF on the phone and then I started watching a bunch of Shalamar videos on YouTube.

Okay, so now onto our final telethon episode!

This episode is actually about a PBS fundraiser, which I do recommend supporting because OMG they let me watch episodes of Sherlock for free on their website!! But our final fundraiser will be for the NRDC because Antartica is melting.

Tmv5bmjm5mdawmzy5mf5bml5banbnxkftztgwnza0mtgzmje-_v1_uy268_cr870182268_al_he Keaton kids are really dreading PBS pledge week, but Elyse is excited about it because she’s hoping to be able to perform as a singer/guitar player. Steven doesn’t want her to perform, but she’s mega-pregnant so he knows better than to say no to her. It turns out that she has a lovely voice…until she hits the high notes…

As the week progresses, Steven begins to notice that his children are not terribly excited about manning the phones at the telethon. After talking to Elyse, Steven decides that he was rude to the children because he never asked them to participate. (He thinks it’s a problem of manners rather than the fact that they’re simply bored out of their minds). Of course, when he gives them the option, they all decide NOT to participate.

But as the week goes on, and they see all of the other families participating in the telethon (is that a thing??), the Keaton children begin to feel guilty. So they schlep on down to the station to make up for their selfish behavior.

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In this HIGH DRAMA episode (aka I have almost fallen asleep 4 times) Steven must leave immediately after the children arrive because they have plumbing issues at the house!!! OH NO, he’s going to miss Elyse’s performance!

From home (where the ceiling is about to cave in) Steven watches Elyse perform. Just as she is about to hit that high note, she goes into labor.

TIME FOR PART 2!

Ugh, this SERIOUSLY could have been a single episode because NOTHING happened in part 1. Part 2 starts off with labor pains and a big snowstorm. (Also, it turns out that going into labor led to a lot of pledges!!) Sadly, they are snowed-in and Elyse will have to have the baby at the station!

(Full discloser, I’ve been skipping through this episode a lot. Steven goes to the hospital and Elyse’s isn’t there. Since there are no cell phones she sends him messages over the air at the telethon. This causes even more pledges to pour in. Even though the roads are impassible, Steven leaves the hospital and makes it to the station. He brings a doctor…couldn’t they have just called an ambulance like an hour ago? She has the baby. It’s fine.)

Oh my gosh you guys, this was so boring. I’ll never do this to you ever again.

Here, enjoy some Shalamar:

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The Golden Girls: The Monkey Show

Today’s contribution goes to Meals on Wheels because one day, if we’re lucky, we’ll all be as old as the Golden Girls, but we may not all be so lucky as to have amazing roommates. Meals on Wheels provides companionship and nourishment to our most vulnerable elders.

Dorothy and Stan are seeing a therapist together, which has created a situation in which Stan has transferred his feelings for Dorothy to a surrogate–a fake monkey, to be exact. (More on this later.)

Meanwhile, Rose has gotten 8 hours of television airtime for a telethon to save a lighthouse. She asks the girls to help her get everything organized.

Furthermore, Dorothy’s sister, Gloria, pops by for a visit and major sibling rivalry ensues.

This is a two-parter and we already have an A, B, and C-plot. Are you keeping up? I want to make sure we’re all on the same page, so please take a moment to review.

Okay, you good?

Gloria tells Dorothy that she’s not a real teacher because she’s just a substitute. Rude. I don’t understand why family members come into your home and just think they can get away with insulting you. Like you MAY be my flesh and blood, but you’re still in my home and you need to GTFO if you’re going to be rude.

Then Stan shows up with the (fake) monkey. Gloria is there to see all of this of course, and Dorothy doesn’t miss the opportunity to let Stan know that Gloria has run out of money, which Stan mistakes for “monkey,” and he somehow manages to become more possessive of the fake monkey than he was before. He doesn’t hang around for long though because he has an important business dinner, where he plans to seat the monkey with “the other wives.”

The monkey is some fake fur and a little plush face wrap around an orange traffic cone, just so you have an accurate mental picture. Oh wait, here’s a real picture:

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Dorothy is delighted that Stan is into a traffic cone these days and therefore leaving her alone. Sophia pressures her to use this extra non-Stan time to bond with her sister. But instead Dorothy decides to pour salt into her wounds.

Okay, sometimes I forget that Dorothy was horrible and mean because she was the funniest one on that show. But when she offers to give Gloria some romantic advice, everyone laughs at her…because her ex-husband is in love with a fake monkey. So yeah. Maybe she doesn’t have the best taste.

And then Stan transfers his love for Dorothy from the monkey to Gloria. Here’s the SFW version of what happened between them:

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Oh and by the way, there’s a hurricane on the way. So we’ve got: sibling rivalry and romantic transgressions, fake monkey love, a save the lighthouse telethon, and a hurricane. Sophia is very excited about (potentially dying in) the hurricane*:
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Finally, it’s time for the telethon. And none of the acts can make it. DUE TO THE HURRICANE. So Blanche and Rose set out to do everything themselves. Rose sings a lovely song from Minnesota, called “I Never Thought I’d Grow A Hair there.”

But the only pledges this earns are a $20 and a $50 from Sophia who will only make the donations if Rose stops playing.

After a very sad performance from their only act to show up (a man who impersonates crickets) Rose receives word that they’ve been taken off the air and that the studio is going to be used as a hurricane shelter.

Meanwhile, Dorothy finds Gloria and Stan in bed together again. Oh and I might add that they are in Dorothy’s bed. Ewwwwww.

Oh my gosh, I’m sorry. Let me back up. Dorothy discovered right after she found them together the first time that Sophia had actually tried to set Gloria up with Stan. I say “tried” but maybe I should say “Sophia had successfully set up one of her daughters with her other daughter’s ex-husband.” Sophia then runs off and did I mention that there is a hurricane???

So now Dorothy is frantic, but she really shouldn’t be. Sophia is chilling with her brother Angelo. Angelo tells her she was out of line with the whole Stan thing (duh) and they decide to head to the shelter. Alas, a tree has fallen and trapped them in the house!

Back at the shelter, Stan confesses that he was only with Gloria and the monkey (uh, okay) to make Dorothy jealous. Ugh, poor Gloria. Her mom sets her up with her sister’s ex and he’s just using her to make her sister jealous. But then again, now that I’ve written the previous sentence, I’m not sure why Gloria felt like hooking up with Stan was ever a good idea in the first place.

Oh and remember how Sophia was trapped in that house with Angelo? She’s fine. She literally just walked into the shelter. She makes the girls hug by threatening them with running away into the storm again. (Remember that morbid shirt from earlier??)

Also, remember that targeted advertising I discussed several posts ago? Well, I’ll have you know that I saw a pregnancy test commercial at every single break in this two-part episode. So…not quite sure what to make of that.

*SEE it ain’t easy being an older adult, scroll on up to that Meals on Wheels donation link.

Saved by the Bell: Save the Max

Today’s charitable donations will go to your local public radio station! Follow this link to find your local NPR station and make a one-time or recurring donation.

screen2bshot2b2014-09-012bat2b6-03-432bpmWhile trespassing in a closed off area of Bayside High School, Zack and Screech uncover a radio station, KKTY. The gang heads to The Max to plan out what each of their respective roles in the revived radio station will be. But when they get their order they find their burgers to be like 1/5 of the standard size. (Like if you order a quarter pounder and then someone brought you one single White Castle burger.)

Max explains that he’s had to make some cuts do to rising costs and everyone is extremely sympathetic, despite the fact that they’ve probably all paid 5 times too much for the amount of meat they’re getting. GUESS THERE’S NO STRESS WHEN YOU’RE USING MOMMY AND DADDY’S MONEY. But I digress.

Then they all talk about how no one has seen Max’s dog in a while and they wonder what could have happened to it, as they look suspiciously at their tiny burgers. Wait, SERIOUSLY, Saved by the Bell? A dog meat joke? This is TOO dark for your fare. I’m still having nightmares about that episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and now you just had to go and stir up my PTSD.

The lone investigative journalist at the station (Jesse Spano, obviously) uncovers a hot story when she discovers that the Bayside School District is Max’s landlord. The district plans to turn The Max into a parking lot if Max doesn’t pay $10,000 in back rent by the end of the week. Woah, woah, woah. That place is ALWAYS full. I know. I’ve been there. How the heck did Max mismanage his finances so badly?

Also, this school district owns a restaurant and an oil field? WHAT IS UP WITH THIS TOWN??

Anyway, the kids report this news on the radio without getting Principal Belding’s approval first (thus violating the terms of their radio station agreement). Zack senses something behind the principal’s outrage about potentially losing his job because he let a bunch of kids trash talk the school board on the radio, so Jesse starts investigating Belding. Eventually, she finds something. And just in case you forgot that it was “okay” to make rape-y jokes on television in the early 90’s:

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As it turns out, Belding got in trouble in high school for mooning the school board. Seems like he and Zack had a lot more in common than we thought! Belding, the original DJ of KKTY, protested the school board’s ban on long hair and jeans (hence the mooning), which lead to the station’s demise.

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Hey, hey, hey slow down here. First of all, there are REAL things to protest other than not getting to wear jeans and saving some unsustainable business. I mean really, Belding? You went to high school in the 60’s and your biggest concern was that your school board didn’t want you to have long hair? Sounds like a selfish jackass to me. I guess he and Zack really are the same. So Belding agrees to help with the radiothon. (RADIOTHON! Now this post makes sense, right???)

Screen Shot 2017-05-10 at 8.33.02 PMOn a side note, I dig this sweater that one of the extras is wearing at the radiothon. Can any Etsy friends hook me up with a similar look?

So pretty much the radiothon is just their regular radio show but in person and at The Max. I’d say that’s pretty weak in terms of a fundraiser. Lisa starts auctioning of gossip, Screech does a bad Al Bundy impersonation, and Slater pledge’s his life savings of $100.

Oh yeah, Slater’s at home instead of at the radiothon because he sucked at being on the radio. It’s a whole B-plot that I just didn’t go into.

When Zack loses his voices and everyone else falls asleep, Slater shows up and takes over the radiothon hosting. He makes a motivational speech (see below) and the phones start ringing off the hook.

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Sounds like it’s time for a group high-five!

Full House: Our Very First Telethon

Today’s charitable contributions will go to Girl Scouts in NYC Shelters. You can follow the link here to donate, and check out this link to donate. And check out this article from the New York Times about Troop 600, the first troop formed in a shelter.

All of the Tanners are volunteering at “We Love Our Children Telethon 90.” Their goal is to raise 1 million dollars to purchase new equipment for the children’s health center. And they only have 24 hours to do it!

Sadly, the children will have to rely on donations from viewers regaled by the comedic stylings of Joey Gladstone. (Thankfully, the woodchuck does not appear.) He also performs a little magic (illusions) with Rebecca. It is pretty bad, but at least it cut short his stand-up routine. But then he botches the routine, leaving Rebecca to sing a duet with Danny while stuck in the Zig Zag Illusion box.

We get a quick montage of other acts to demonstrate that not every single performance is brought to you by people who live in the same house. The montage also shows the Tanner girls going home to get some rest (just in case you felt like there might be any child labor law violations afoot). Then it’s back to the Tanners. Danny falls asleep in the middle of hosting, so Michelle takes over and sings a very adorable version of the “Itsy Bitsy Spider,” joined by Jesse and the Rippers.

Rebecca has gone home for a nap and Danny has passed out on stage (pretty weak hosting), so Michelle starts to sing the alphabet to fill time. What are we to do??

Thankfully, Stephanie Tanner volunteers to perform her “Love Shack” dance, which some of you may remember from its “Hotline Bling” revival. But here is the original:

Then DJ sings “Lollipops and Gummy Bears” to Michelle, a performance that Candace Cameron Bure reportedly hated. But honesty, it’s cute and she sings better than she thinks she does. I feel like this must have been planned though right? Am I supposed to believe DJ Tanner had this song choreographed and ready to go and just so happened to be available to fill in when her dad fell asleep? That’s far-fetched even by Full House standards. I mean, she’s no Stephanie. Come on.

My personal favorite part is when Kimmy Gibbler’s mom calls and pledges $200 if they let Kimmy ride her unicycle.screen-shot-2011-07-05-at-8-41-00-pm

Still, there’s very little time left in the telethon and the Tanners haven’t met their goal. But don’t worry, Mike Love heard that they may need a little help with their telethon and he decided to stop by to sing “Be True to Your School.”

I would really love to know why this episode exists in the Full House cannon. Was it a slow day in the writers room or was the cast itching to put on a talent show? If you have the answer, let me know in the comments.

P.S. I didn’t link to Joey’s awful rendition of Aerosmith’s “Janie’s Got a Gun.” You’re welcome.

A Very Special Telethon (Kind Of)

As I previously mentioned, Telethon episodes of sitcoms hold a special place in my heart. So I’m going to hold my own. But without a television. And on the internet. Also you don’t have to pledge anything (unless you want to and not to this blog). Every Friday in May, I’ll feature a telethon episode while making a donation to a different 501(c)(3) non-profit each day. I’ll also provide information for you to donate too if you’d like. I’m not talking big $$$ here. But if we all give a little, we can do a lot.