Fuller House: Happy New Year Baby

Fuller House was not messing around with the holidays this year! They covered the 4 major Fall/Winter holidays, so this year I bring you a New Year’s episode.

We FINALLY Get to see Kimmy Gibbler wearing her pizza sweater from the promo shots in this episode. (Please, people of the internet, tell me where I can get one of these. If you own an Etsy shop, link me to it in the comments!) She also has a pizza topping scarf and a pizza bow, but I’m not as excited about either of these. Her pizza earrings are pretty sweet though.

DJ is throwing a big New Year’s party. And Steve tells her that he wants to propose to CJ at DJ’s party. (CJ is Steve’s girlfriend this season and she’s eerily similar to DJ not only in name but also in personality.) He also wants her to write his proposal for him…ugh weird.

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Shortly after Steve makes this big announcement, Danny, Jesse, Becky, and Joey and the freaking woodchuck puppet show up. (Insert loud crying emoji here). Beck and Jesse are apparently in town to adopt a new baby. This came up briefly in a previous episode, but I still don’t understand it to be perfectly honest.

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fh_212_unit_01445_r_crop-minWe also get to hear Joey do a very poor Marlon Brando impression when Jesse asks him to be the baby’s godfather. Danny gets pretty touchy about not being offered the godfather-ship. So the three guys start arguing about how much Danny saved them in rent over the years vs. how much they saved him in baby-sitting. (It’s San Francisco real estate dudes, you got the much better deal.) But Danny goes for the jugular when he tells Jesse that Forever is “not [his] favorite song.” Well, we were all thinking it… Joey (who is also upset because Jesse tried to placate Danny by telling him he could be the godfather instead of Joey) agrees with Danny. So Jesse tells Joey that Mr. Woodchuck sucks. THANK GOD WE ARE FINALLY ADDRESSING THIS! Then Joey tells Jesse that the only reason people watch “Wake Up USA” is because they want to watch Becky. Ouch. I mean. Hm. This one feels hurtful where as the others were like things that NEEDED to be said. This is Danny’s whole career! It’s not one dumb song or puppet!

But out of the mouths of babes, DJ’s middle child saves the whole situation when he comes outside looking for advice on how to forgive his older brother for being a jerk to him at the New Year’s party. The three grown men say that nothing is more important than loving your brothers. (But like…they’re not actually brothers…okay fine…ugh Jesse even hugs Mr. Woodchuck…oh wait it’s just a fake out to throw him over the fence. YAHOO!)

As predictable as this show is, I’m sure you could all tell as soon as I mentioned that Steve needed DJ’s help his proposal that CJ would mistakenly think that Steve was involved with DJ. BUT I be you didn’t guess that DJ would ultimately propose to CJ on Steve’s behalf and that a very confused Matt would enter the party in the midst of this.

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The next morning, Jesse and Becky bring their new baby to see everyone. They name her Pamela after the girls’ mother and Jesse’s sister. All of the actors of varying talent seem to genuinely tear up over this. Maybe they felt like Pam was a real character on the original show even though we only saw her for like 2 seconds in a home video in the show’s original run. But honestly, I teared up too because dammit it’s a sweet sentiment.

Also, DJ reveals that she was going to pick Steve before he got involved with CJ, but now she’s happy with Matt. Something tells me we haven’t seen the ends of this love triangle…

Fuller House: Girl Talk

Well. You all knew I just couldn’t help myself.

I watched the first episode of Fuller House‘s second season. It was pretty good. The writing has definitely improved, but I’m still not sold on the original show’s supporting characters ability to legitimately carry a show on their own. But I will say that if you need some pop culture comfort food, you might enjoy “Welcome Back.” It’s completely inoffensive and mildly funny both of which disqualify it from having any place on this blog.

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The Season 2 Cast of Fuller House

So moving on to the moment we’ve all been waiting for, the aptly titled “Girl Talk.” The episode is number 7 of 13, squarely in the middle of the season like they wanted to make me watch a lot of crap before I got there. But this it the age of instant gratification and I’ve already waited 21 years for this freaking episode! Suffice it to say, I skipped right ahead to episode 7.

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The original Girl Talk at their only performance in 1995.

The band gets back together in a rather low-key way. Stephanie has written a song and she wants to play it with a full band. Being the successful musician that she is, she decides not to go with any of her connections in the music world, but rather to go with Kimmy Gibbler’s idea of letting Girl Talk take a crack at it. Since their original drummer is now playing in Beyonce’s backing band, they decide to let DJ join. (Apparently, she’s taught herself how to play drums from playing Rockband). Also, Gia IS back and like for some reason I mistook her for Kimmy’s daughter in the preview, so sorry about that. DISCLAIMER: This is not a fake news site, so let this post serve as a retraction from that section of the previous post on Fuller House’s Girl Talk. 

Anyway, DJ can only play the drums when she color codes them like in Rockband. She also has to say all of the colors as she plays. All of the members of the band probably suck too, but no one else can really think enough to play over DJ’s racket. Thus, we don’t really get to find out whether or not Girl Talk still has it. (But they never actually did have “it” so yeah).

Meanwhile, some stupid middle school boy is cyberbullying Kimmy’s daughter. (To be the parent of a child with a smartphone and apps has got to be one of the scariest things ever for a middle class white person.)

Gia and DJ talk about how they never liked each other. DJ thought Gia was a bad influence on Steph (she was) and Gia thought DJ was a dweeb (she so was not!). Also, I don’t remember there being THAT much tension between them. I feel like Gia didn’t care about DJ and DJ just thought of her as an unreliable friend for Steph but wasn’t like moralistically against her. I mean they were all kids. It’s not like DJ was a mom character in 1995 like they’re making her out to be.

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Keyboard player, Kimmy Gibbler, displays a Band-Tee that prominently features her face.

But Gia is a soccer mom now who walks for nine different charities! They actually get along until DJ won’t let Gia use her vape pen in the finished basement/rehearsal space. This causes the whole group to devolve into arguing, so Steph disbands them. Aw, kind of anticlimactic. We did get to hear them play their only song, a cover of Ace of Base’s “The Sign,” and it actually sounded pretty good this time. Even DJ finally figured out how to play her instrument without shouting out colors.

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Gia returns to the band, but clashes with new drummer, DJ.

Back to the cyberbullying, Kimmy’s daughter has largely recovered from the attack all by herself while the adults in her life played in a band. I usually don’t focus a lot on B-plots in these reviews but with the heavy weight of this subject matter and the “lessons” focus of this show, I’m surprised this wasn’t A and Girl Talk wasn’t B. (Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for the return of Girl Talk as an A plot, but in that case the cyberbullying plot was best saved for another episode).

The original attack occurred after Ramona turned down a boy in her class. She told him she wasn’t interested in him and he released a video making fun of her, which went viral beacuse people are shit-heads. She mistakenly thought DJ’s oldest son, Jackson, posted it (for reasons which don’t make any sense other than to provide drama in the show) and only learned the truth after the original video poster showed up to confront her.

Confront her about what, you may ask? Well, it turns out that the this boy has also been the victim of cyberbullying. He’s a friend of Jackson’s and it turns out the Jackson decided to cyberbully his friend in order to teach him a lesson about why cyberbullying is wrong…

Hm…okay. Well, there’s a whole lot of mess going on here.

Ramona does have a good line here directed at the OCB (Original Cyber-Bullier), “Just because someone says no to you, it doesn’t give you the right to be a bully.

He says, “Okay, I’m sorry. I just said I’m sorry. I must really like you.” (Uh okay, jackass. I mean you couldn’t possibly be sorry just because you were wrong, could you?)

She says, “Well you have a funny way of showing it.”

Then Jackson’s crush kind of starts liking him because he “stood up” for Ramona by bullying another student to teach him a lesson about bullying Ramona.

THE END. The freaking end.

That 5 minute B plot exchange at the end of this episode feels horribly light for what actually happened in this episode. I mean here we have a boy who bullied a girl because she said no to him and then a kid who retaliated against bullying with MORE bullying. HOW ARE WE NOT TALKING ABOUT THIS???

What happened to both Ramona AND the OCB is horrible. And it unfortunately seems to be happening to kids more and more these days. I guess now I’m seeing what happens when something I feel SHOULD be a very special episode isn’t. I mean I make fun of Very Special Episodes but like hm….I guess it should come as no surprise that I would prefer a Very Special Episode on bullying to bulling-as-a-punchline. (Unless, we’re talking about everything Carla does on Cheers. Then it’s okay.)

On another note, I did only watch 2 episodes, but there were ZERO references to Stephanie being a DJ…so basically I’m taking this as further evidence that the Netflix Fuller House production team probably reads this blog and takes all of my advice.

I can only hope we haven’t seen the very last of Girl Talk, but I won’t hold my breath on another revival any time soon. In the meantime, stay tuned for some Very Special Holiday episodes starting on December 15th!

BREAKING NEWS: The Return of Girl Talk!

First of all, this isn’t actually breaking news to anyone who has been following Fuller House. But as you well know, I got burned badly by the first season and I’ve been bitterly avoiding the reboot ever since.

But curiosity got the best of me and I decided to watch the trailer for the second season. I rolled my eyes A LOT. Even more than usual.

The schmaltz factor is high: The New Radicals’s “You Get What You Give” plays over a montage of “feel-good” moments highlighting the show’s “exciting” new season while harkening back to its nostalgic roots–even though Full House was several season over by the time the trailer’s featured song charted, but I digress.

There it was roughly 1 minute 43 seconds and 6.5 eye-rolls in, shining like a beacon of hope to my one major and well-documented request for this reboot: Girl Talk. It looks like we’ll be hearing “The Sign” again soon, Very Special Readers. Maybe they’ll even finish the song this time.

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It looks like DJ has joined the group as drummer with Kimmy and Steph as the only original band members. While I’m sad that it doesn’t look like Gia will be reprising her role, I guess they had to let Kimmy’s kid have something to do on the show.

I do NOT want to get my hopes up…but I’m kind of looking forward to this episode…

Fuller House Season Two, SMH

Ugh, okay America. Somehow you loved Fuller House enough to warrant a Season 2. Apparently, I missed the memo. Somehow, this show was a hit. While I pride myself on an in-depth knowledge of nostalgia, even I will never understand this. But I do have some notes. I’m sure Season 2 is in the can (it premieres December 10th if you’re so inclined), but here’s what I’m thinking would help:

      1. Let Jodi Sweetin dance. Just Jodi Sweetin. Not you other people who can’t really dance but somehow decided that appropriating Indian culture was a great way to give it a shot. Like PLEASE drop the stupid DJ storyline and just let her be a dancer.
      2. Bring back “Feedback”. You made us listen to “Jesse and the Rippers” saccharine single “Forever.” But I’d actually rather hear “Shout” any day of the week. Also, you can totally skip bringing back Scott Baio. Just recast him like you did Nelson.
      3. Leave the Olsen Twins alone. Those awkward jokes about their absences were some of the most painful moments in an already painful show.
      4. Get rid of Steve because you turned him into a creepy obsessive person. Also, the new guy is way cuter.
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      5. Involve the original cast of older actors as much as possible even though they are probably busy with other projects. Seriously, if this means a lot of Dave Coulier, I’m actually okay with that. The older actors are the biggest talents on that show. It’s not that the younger actors are bad, but I don’t feel like they are doing a good job of carrying this on their own. They do also have horrible, horrible scripts to work with even by Full House standards, so who knows.
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      6. Make Kimmy Gibbler the lead and give her all of the plotlines. Like I seriously do not care who DJ Tanner-Fuller is dating. I’m so bored. I’d rather just watch the lady who is cool enough to own a bacon and eggs scarf. Also, this is a great opportunity to bring back “Girl Talk,” which OBVIOUSLY would be more interesting than anything they produced last season.
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But clearly we’ve established that I’m in the minority of thinking this show is crap. You do you, America. I just don’t get it.

Full House: Stephanie’s Wild Ride

Whoops, due to the fact that I accidentally scheduled this post for March 31st (which is in the past) some of you may have already read this…but for those of you that haven’t:

I’m so glad the Phoenicians made F the sixth letter of their alphabet. The first 5 posts in this challenge have been rough, but now I feel like I’m amongst old friends. That’s right, today’s show is the tried and true very special show, Full House. In this episode, Stephanie and her bff/resident bad girl, Gia, are at the mall picking up some older guys.

screen-shot-2013-10-01-at-1-54-45-amThey pretend to be sophomores in high school even though they are thirteen. But when DJ and Kimmy Gibbler show up, they recognize the boys from their school as total sleazeballs who drilled a hole in the girls’ locker room. But for some reason, even with the knowledge that these two dudes are juvenile sexual predators, DJ and Kimmy go along with Stephanie and Gia pretending to be three years older than they are.

The two guys offer Gia and Steph a ride home. At first Stephanie is all like unsure about riding in a care with strangers (so prudent) but the Gia tells her that they’ve been talking for three minutes and therefore are not strangers (blargh) so Steph goes along.

These guys apparently have a death wish, so they drive their convertible at like 100 mph on sharp turns. And when that’s not thrilling enough, they decide to drive on the wrong side of the road, just to make things extra “fun.”

bef2d06a99b0a19ce499020786c2b32bWhen Steph gets home and tells DJ about her wild wide, DJ is livid. Gia and the guys try to get Steph to joy ride with them again after dinner, but DJ threatens to tell their dad if Stephanie goes with them. I think it’s important to point out that the very next episode is “Under the Influence,” in which we learn that the girls’ mom was killed by a drunk driver. So it’s really not surprising that DJ is adamant about road safety. Also, I feel really bad for her knowing now that she had to deal with a dumb sister in this episode and then a dumb best friend in the very next episode. But her best friend is Kimmy so I guess she deals with a dumb best friend a lot.

That night, Danny tells Stephanie that Gia has been in a car accident. She’s okay (this is Full House after all) but has to spend the night in the hospital. Stephanie realizes she could just as easily have been injured in that car if not for DJ. But DJ wasn’t always so responsible. It turns out that when DJ was 13 she and Kimmy stayed out all night on Halloween and even hitchhiked to Berkley. Yikes, so maybe that’s why they never had a true Halloween episode.

Very Special Lesson: Riding in cars with boys is dangerous. Didn’t you see that movie with Drew Barrymore?

The Only Interesting Moments in Fuller House

Don’t watch this. I know I said that I would review al of the episodes, but I can’t. I played it in the background while I did other things. Doing my dishes and catching up on data entry for work were far, far more interesting than paying full-attention to this show.

But there were a few bright spots and I’ll list them all below. You can just read this list and it will be like you actually watched the show because, outside of this list, nothing happened:

      1. DJ became a Mexican Wrestling Champion
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      2. Stephanie gave Danny a sports coat that matched the couch’s upholstery because he is weirdly obsessed with the couch.
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      3. Stephanie can’t have kids. This was a weirdly dramatic moment in a show that is otherwise full of corny jokes. Jodie Sweetin and Candace Cameron Bure did a fine job with the scene, but it felt so out of place with the tone of the rest of the series.
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      4. DJ got a cute new boyfriend. He’s another veterinarian at her practice.
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      5. Harry Takayama guest starred and Stephanie wanted to date him, but then he turned out to be engaged.
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      6. Stephanie dated Hunter Pence from the SF Giants. But she was a jinx. He couldn’t get a hit until she broke up with him (under duress) as the crowd boo-ed her as she attempted to sing “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” during the 7th-inning stretch.
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      7. DJ made out with Steve while dating the cute new guy (which makes no sense because Steve is now a creep and cute new guy is cool). But then Steve was at the Giants game (the same one where the crowd boo-ed Stephanie) and saw DJ kiss the cute new guy on the kiss cam. He freaked out. Cute guy was similarly not pleased.
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      8. There is a cute moment with Steve, Cute Guy, DJ, Kimmy, and Stephanie comenting on a flash back of Steve and DJ at the prom. But it’s like they’re all imagining the flashback as Steve tells the story. I thought that was kinda cute. I love when storytelling mediums mix!
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      9. Steve and the cute new guy kiss. It’s really dumb and an accident but the studio audience loved it. Like there was some serious cheering over the laugh track.
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      10. Everyone does a perfectly choreographed Bollywood dance.
      11. Steve and DJ dress up like their 90’s selves and pretend that they’re Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore in Ghost, except they’re making hamburger patties instead of pottery…it’s every bit as weird as it sounds.
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      12. Joey officiates Becky and Jesse’s vow renewal on inline skates, wearing a hockey jersey, and a holding a hockey stick.
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      13. Jesse hit Mr. Woodchuck over the head with a hockey stick.
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      14. DJ didn’t chose between Scott or cute new guy. And they both seemed okay with it.
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I feel like there will probably not be a season two of Fuller House…but if there is and they FINALLY revive “Girl Talk,” I will cover it. Otherwise, I will most like steer clear.

Fuller House: Moving Day and Funner House

ep2In this episode, DJ promises Kimmy’s daughter that she can have her own room, forcing Jackson to move-in with his little brother–kind of like DJ and Stephanie moving in together once Jesse moved in.

Speaking of Jesse, John Stamos shows up and over hears Stephanie giving Jackson an “inspirational” talk. While he’s busy telling her what an amazing job she did with teaching the kid a valuable lesson, Jackson sneaks down the stairs (presumably to run away where he can live alone). As it turns out, Jackson sneaks into the backseat of Jesse’s LA-bound car.stamos

Meanwhile, Stephanie and Kimmy don’t realize that they’ve lost a kid. (DJ has left them in charge while she takes care of a veterinarian emergency.) She comes home after getting a text from Jackson–Jesse discovered him in the car and no-doubt forced him to text his mom. And she’s all ticked off and calls a family meeting. And then they like decide to get along? I don’t know…this was literally the entire episode and I’m not really sure what the point was. This show is so, so bad. It makes Full House seem like cutting-edge comedy.

Very Special Lesson (according to DJ): Respect, Compromise, and Honesty.

Best Joke/Only Kind-Of Good Joke: “I changed so many of Michelle’s diapers, I feel like there were two of her.”

So in a Very Special Blog first, I’m combining two episodes into one post because “Moving Day” was the most boring thing on Earth. So this is “Funner House” and let’s hope that it lives up to that title:
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Also, this is my last episode unless things get much better immediately. I know I said I would review all of these, but I am not a masochist. It’s fun to review things that are ridiculous, but I’m not down to talk about something that’s just plain boring.

Anyway, it is “girls night” so Kimmy, Stephanie and DJ go to a club, where they pick up Val and Maks Chmerkovskiy from Dancing with the Stars and decide to do some tequila shots. This is something that would not have happened on Full House and I’m interested to see how this plays out.

Then Macy Gray shows up! Where has she been? I missed her. This was my jam in 2000:

Apparently, Stephanie and Macy are like BEST friends. Um, but they only talk for 30 seconds. Wait, did Macy Gray literally just make a cameo on Fuller House?
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In some kind of attempt to make Kimmy’s ex jealous (oh yeah, he’s at the club by the way), Stephanie and Macy Gray sing “Time of My Life” from Dirty Dancing while Kimmy and DJ dance kind of like Romy and Michele. It’s actually quite adorable and not nearly as awkward as whatever this was:

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Also, if that’s really Jodie Sweetin singing, then we need to give Stephanie Tanner way more screen time. I’d rather hear her sing for 3 minutes each episode and not have to listen to as many stupid jokes.

Finally, Kimmy & DJ and Kimmy’s-Ex & His Lady Friend are the only couples left in the dance-battle. It all comes down to the final lift. Luckily, Val and Maks are there to jump in when DJ obviously cannot catch Kimmy. And it’s a perfect landing.

Best Joke: Kimmy’s Ex-Husband (to DJ while dancing)- “You’re way out of your league.”
DJ: “For your information, I’m in a league. A bowling league.”

Okay, this still sucks but it was definitely watchable. I legit enjoyed whatever that weird dance was. If you’re looking for the nostalgia factor then watch 1 and 3 and definitely don’t waste any time at all on episode 2.

P.S. The B-plot of this episode was Joey and the three kids having a full on silly string and slime war. So actually, I don’t think I hate Joey. But I do hate that woodchuck.