I See You Aunt Becky, You Ain’t Low

Oh I have many, many thoughts on the college admissions scandal. I could literally write 72 blog posts on this (but I’ll spare you). I think one of the ickiest vibes I have from all of this (aside from the blatant cheating and the continued marginalization of underprivileged teens and first-generation college students) is that all these chill, work-hard, down to earth celebs are LIARS who are just gonna came the system like every other stereotypical entitled rich white lady — ahem — I’m looking at you Aunt Becky.

But let me just real quick sum up my thoughts with a side by side comparison of two episodes of Full House that I’m sure you’ve already heard a lot about this past week. Like wtf how many of us get to literally role-play potential crimes and then are like “yeah sign me up for the cheating and the fraud, please.” Psychologists of the world, let me read your case studies.

Okay, bear with me as I now undertake the HERCULEAN task of reviewing two Full House episodes SIMULTANEOUSLY. (Lord, I don’t even know if I can handle it. Will I go into a diabetic coma from all of the saccharine schmaltz. Pray for me, Very Special Readers. Pray.) They are: “Be True to Your Pre-School” and “The Test.” I will not have time or patience for B-plots!

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First of all. I think this a wig. I no longer trust this woman to have real hair. Thoughts?

During a play date, Rebecca and Jesse realize that they’re behind on the preschool game. They haven’t been researching preschools, so they other parents tell them that there is a big risk their kids won’t be “on the fast track for life.” Okay, are we noticing some similarities to REAL LIFE yet, people??

The questions on the application are very difficult for two year-olds and include things like, “Evaluate the scope of your child’s verbal skills.” Joey recommends that Jesse lie on the application. (I hate Joey but I do feel that this is a little out of character). Basically, Jesse feels that he’s only helping his children out because if his parents had sent him to a good preschool then he probably wouldn’t be in night school trying to earn a high school diploma.

With Jesse’s lies, the boys make it to the next stage of admissions: THE INTERVIEW (cue ominous music). As they walk into the interview, he confesses to Becky that he embellished on the application “little bit,” which included claiming to be an ambassador.

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Evidently, this is how Jesse thinks an ambassador dresses.

Although, Becky goes along with the shenanigans at first. She comes clean pretty quickly in the interview and admits that her husband lied. The admissions person tells her that they figured that out when they read the portion of the applicant that referred to the boys as “proficient on the bassoon.” However they don’t care because: “it only shows you want whats best for your boys.” UGHHHH WTF I DISAGREE WITH THE PREMISE.

Anyway, Becky is yet again the voice of reason when she tells Jess (who is rigorously trying to cram some knowledge down the boys’ throats) that they’re not letting their kids “be kids” and he’s asking too much of them. Almost like you should let your children be guided by their natural abilities…hm…

“When they’re ready to go to preschool, we’ll find the right one and do everything we can to encourage,” she says. I guess this doesn’t apply to ASU. That must be an exception.

Now, let’s move on to “The Test.” In the opening of this episode Joey calls out Jesse for trying to reuse a stamp a.k.a. “trying to cheat the U.S. postal service.” WHAT ARE YOUR MORALS JOEY? Anyway, DJ is stressing because she has to take the SAT and she MUST do well so that she can go to Stanford.

When DJ says she is too stressed out to eat dinner, Danny coaches the family to tell DJ the whole SAT isn’t a huge deal and to not be so stressed. This doesn’t work and she has a stress dream in which Uncle Jesse steals an SAT answer booklet off of the proctor’s desk and proceeds to read the answers to her through a walkie-talkie hidden in a breakfast burrito.

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Joey overhears this and is very upset about the cheating. Once again, I would like to know what happened in Joey’s life between season six and season seven that caused him to go from cheating-instigator to cheating-police.

The next morning, DJ is so upset from her dream that she asks her dad, “Can you write me a note to get me out of college?” And her dad’s like no and apologizes for minimizing her stress, which actually only made her more stressed. And then he’s like just do your best cause he’s a normal dad and believes in his daughter.

I do believe I’m getting older though because this was the first time I watched an episode of Full House and realized that Bob Saget was kind of a DILF. So now I have to live with that knowledge.

I would also like to take this opportunity to say that standardized testing is some bullshit, patriarchal tool of the oligarchy and plenty of smart people are setup to fail on it. GOODBYE.

Full House: Our Very First Christmas Show

First of all, Happy Festivus everyone! I was so busy airing my grievances that I’m just now able to take a break and get this post up. I’m also didn’t bring my laptop with me because I didn’t want to haul it around in my luggage, so I was similarly delayed both by having to borrow a computer and my inability to remember my WordPress password.

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Okay, okay, let’s do this. The Tanners are taking a trip to Colorado and Stephanie does NOT want to go on the trip because Santa Claus won’t know where to find them. The obvious answer here is that there’s a lot of other magic kids buy into with Santa, so why shouldn’t he be able to track them down wherever they are? I mean the whole Santa figure is surprisingly omniscient: “he sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” That’s creepy, creepy stuff, man. The whole myth is a major invasion of privacy and yet we’ve somehow romanticized it because we’re materialistic creatures who like to rip open shiny, glittering packages.

On the plane, they bump into Danny’s co-host and Jesse’s future wife: Rebecca Donaldson. Jesse immediately asks her out while they’re in Colorado, and she’s like “nah, I’m just changing planes in Denver.” Stephanie and DJ get upgraded to first class, where Rebecca is also sitting because I guess she got $$.

Back in coach, Michelle pets a man’s toupée because she mistakes it for a kitty cat. He makes her cry. This is an excuse for the guys to sing “The Girl From Ipanema.” However, a giant snowstorm (that I guess NOAA failed notice) forces them to make an emergency landing in a dinky little airport in the middle of nowhere. Steph freaks out because SANTA WON’T FIND THEM OMG.

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So maybe now is a good time to be like, “Listen, honey. Christmas isn’t about presents. It’s about being stuck in an environment that you do not want to be in but you do it anyway because family.” Instead, they let her use the payphone to try to reach the North Pole.

But then we dive deeper into the realm of delusion because DJ (not knowing that the airline has lost the bag containing the gifts) decides to tell Stephanie that Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer has radar in his nose. So then Danny has to do a little damage control and say that the radar in Rudolph’s nose doesn’t always work, so Santa might take a few days to find them.

Meanwhile, Michelle keeps trying to pet that toupée. They really should take this kid to see an actual cat because she’s getting some pretty confused thoughts about what they look like.

Joey decides to dress up like Santa to talk to Stephanie and explain the present situation. (Because you know he just travels with a Santa Suit ugh this guy wtf.) This completely backfires when Michelle recognizes Joey, but Stephanie doesn’t. Feeling betrayed, she retreats back to the phone booth. (Twenty years later, I would love to be a fly on the wall of Stephanie Tanner’s therapy session.)

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Sick of the whining about presents, Jesse decides to rally the stranded travelers into singing carols and decorating a coat rack like a Christmas tree. Stephanie does not participate because she’s still chilling in the phone booth.

Jesse and Becky kiss under the mistletoe (that just happens to be hanging over an airport coffee vending machine), setting in motion the wheels of their future romance. (Do you think she’d do it all again if she knew that she’d have to move in with his brother-in-law’s family and live in an attic with her babies?)

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Then the REAL Santa shows up. He makes the presents reappear and leaves them a note on an ancient laptop.

Stephanie tells everyone she saw Santa flying away outside and they’re like “huh?” but decide to go open the presents rather than INVESTIGATING FURTHER! Then Stephanie sees a personalized note that no one else sees. (Man, now I really want to be a fly on the wall at her therapy sessions.)

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Very Special Lesson: Everyone on this show is telling me that airport Christmas is the best Christmas ever, but I’m suspicious.

 

Full House: Baby Love

Okay, I’m cheating a little bit here because this is not *technically* a Halloween episode. But the subject matter is very appropriate, so I’m including it.

This episode is from the middle of the show’s second season and features a cold open with three Shar Pei puppies that the Gibblers are selling. This was obviously a blatant grab for ratings. Look, cute kids and puppies!

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Danny and Becky are in the early-stage of dating, which means they’re being obnoxiously cute in a way that must be delightful to the couple and nauseating for everyone around them. He announces to Joey and Michelle that they MUST watch Wake Up San Francisco because Becky will wink once if she agrees to go out with him that night and wink twice if they do not. Gross. She signals that they have a date OF COURSE.

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For some reason, Becky has her two year old nephew on the show as well. It seems like his sole purpose there is just to wave to Grandma and be cute. Michelle has a little crush on him and the whole family makes a big deal about him being her “very first boyfriend” which is so gross and annoying. They have their whole lives to deal with the perils of dating and even worse, the perils of your family knowing who you are dating and making a big effing deal about it, so why can’t they just be two year-olds for the love of God??

But now here’s the Halloween spooky stuff. DJ and Kimmy plan to watch “The Wolf Man” and Stephanie wants to watch too. Jesse says it’s fine, but Becky says she’s too young. So she says, “Jesse, are you telling me you’d let your kids watch anything they want?” And he’s all like yeah as long as they can tell the difference between fantasy and reality. This leads to a conversation about baby names.

Man, these people move fast.

In the middle of the night, Stephanie wakes up and is totally freaking about about “The Wolf Man.” DJ gets up to get her a glass of milk, leaving Stephanie all alone and freaked out by George Michael’s facial hair.

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But as it turns out, DJ is pretty freaked out herself. All of screaming ensues, waking up all of the Dads.

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Jesse and Joey make it better by pretending that Jesse is the Wolf Man and they are his nagging parents, who make atrocious jokes.

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All better right, Steph? All you have to do is make scary things funny! The end!

Very Special Halloween Lesson: Just laugh at all of your fears? Overwhelming fear of dogs? HAHAHAH, so funny!!!! Afraid of dying? LOL! See it works!!!

Fun Fact: Howie was played by twin girls.

Fuller House: Happy New Year Baby

Fuller House was not messing around with the holidays this year! They covered the 4 major Fall/Winter holidays, so this year I bring you a New Year’s episode.

We FINALLY Get to see Kimmy Gibbler wearing her pizza sweater from the promo shots in this episode. (Please, people of the internet, tell me where I can get one of these. If you own an Etsy shop, link me to it in the comments!) She also has a pizza topping scarf and a pizza bow, but I’m not as excited about either of these. Her pizza earrings are pretty sweet though.

DJ is throwing a big New Year’s party. And Steve tells her that he wants to propose to CJ at DJ’s party. (CJ is Steve’s girlfriend this season and she’s eerily similar to DJ not only in name but also in personality.) He also wants her to write his proposal for him…ugh weird.

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Shortly after Steve makes this big announcement, Danny, Jesse, Becky, and Joey and the freaking woodchuck puppet show up. (Insert loud crying emoji here). Beck and Jesse are apparently in town to adopt a new baby. This came up briefly in a previous episode, but I still don’t understand it to be perfectly honest.

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fh_212_unit_01445_r_crop-minWe also get to hear Joey do a very poor Marlon Brando impression when Jesse asks him to be the baby’s godfather. Danny gets pretty touchy about not being offered the godfather-ship. So the three guys start arguing about how much Danny saved them in rent over the years vs. how much they saved him in baby-sitting. (It’s San Francisco real estate dudes, you got the much better deal.) But Danny goes for the jugular when he tells Jesse that Forever is “not [his] favorite song.” Well, we were all thinking it… Joey (who is also upset because Jesse tried to placate Danny by telling him he could be the godfather instead of Joey) agrees with Danny. So Jesse tells Joey that Mr. Woodchuck sucks. THANK GOD WE ARE FINALLY ADDRESSING THIS! Then Joey tells Jesse that the only reason people watch “Wake Up USA” is because they want to watch Becky. Ouch. I mean. Hm. This one feels hurtful where as the others were like things that NEEDED to be said. This is Danny’s whole career! It’s not one dumb song or puppet!

But out of the mouths of babes, DJ’s middle child saves the whole situation when he comes outside looking for advice on how to forgive his older brother for being a jerk to him at the New Year’s party. The three grown men say that nothing is more important than loving your brothers. (But like…they’re not actually brothers…okay fine…ugh Jesse even hugs Mr. Woodchuck…oh wait it’s just a fake out to throw him over the fence. YAHOO!)

As predictable as this show is, I’m sure you could all tell as soon as I mentioned that Steve needed DJ’s help his proposal that CJ would mistakenly think that Steve was involved with DJ. BUT I be you didn’t guess that DJ would ultimately propose to CJ on Steve’s behalf and that a very confused Matt would enter the party in the midst of this.

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The next morning, Jesse and Becky bring their new baby to see everyone. They name her Pamela after the girls’ mother and Jesse’s sister. All of the actors of varying talent seem to genuinely tear up over this. Maybe they felt like Pam was a real character on the original show even though we only saw her for like 2 seconds in a home video in the show’s original run. But honestly, I teared up too because dammit it’s a sweet sentiment.

Also, DJ reveals that she was going to pick Steve before he got involved with CJ, but now she’s happy with Matt. Something tells me we haven’t seen the ends of this love triangle…

Fuller House: Girl Talk

Well. You all knew I just couldn’t help myself.

I watched the first episode of Fuller House‘s second season. It was pretty good. The writing has definitely improved, but I’m still not sold on the original show’s supporting characters ability to legitimately carry a show on their own. But I will say that if you need some pop culture comfort food, you might enjoy “Welcome Back.” It’s completely inoffensive and mildly funny both of which disqualify it from having any place on this blog.

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The Season 2 Cast of Fuller House

So moving on to the moment we’ve all been waiting for, the aptly titled “Girl Talk.” The episode is number 7 of 13, squarely in the middle of the season like they wanted to make me watch a lot of crap before I got there. But this it the age of instant gratification and I’ve already waited 21 years for this freaking episode! Suffice it to say, I skipped right ahead to episode 7.

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The original Girl Talk at their only performance in 1995.

The band gets back together in a rather low-key way. Stephanie has written a song and she wants to play it with a full band. Being the successful musician that she is, she decides not to go with any of her connections in the music world, but rather to go with Kimmy Gibbler’s idea of letting Girl Talk take a crack at it. Since their original drummer is now playing in Beyonce’s backing band, they decide to let DJ join. (Apparently, she’s taught herself how to play drums from playing Rockband). Also, Gia IS back and like for some reason I mistook her for Kimmy’s daughter in the preview, so sorry about that. DISCLAIMER: This is not a fake news site, so let this post serve as a retraction from that section of the previous post on Fuller House’s Girl Talk. 

Anyway, DJ can only play the drums when she color codes them like in Rockband. She also has to say all of the colors as she plays. All of the members of the band probably suck too, but no one else can really think enough to play over DJ’s racket. Thus, we don’t really get to find out whether or not Girl Talk still has it. (But they never actually did have “it” so yeah).

Meanwhile, some stupid middle school boy is cyberbullying Kimmy’s daughter. (To be the parent of a child with a smartphone and apps has got to be one of the scariest things ever for a middle class white person.)

Gia and DJ talk about how they never liked each other. DJ thought Gia was a bad influence on Steph (she was) and Gia thought DJ was a dweeb (she so was not!). Also, I don’t remember there being THAT much tension between them. I feel like Gia didn’t care about DJ and DJ just thought of her as an unreliable friend for Steph but wasn’t like moralistically against her. I mean they were all kids. It’s not like DJ was a mom character in 1995 like they’re making her out to be.

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Keyboard player, Kimmy Gibbler, displays a Band-Tee that prominently features her face.

But Gia is a soccer mom now who walks for nine different charities! They actually get along until DJ won’t let Gia use her vape pen in the finished basement/rehearsal space. This causes the whole group to devolve into arguing, so Steph disbands them. Aw, kind of anticlimactic. We did get to hear them play their only song, a cover of Ace of Base’s “The Sign,” and it actually sounded pretty good this time. Even DJ finally figured out how to play her instrument without shouting out colors.

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Gia returns to the band, but clashes with new drummer, DJ.

Back to the cyberbullying, Kimmy’s daughter has largely recovered from the attack all by herself while the adults in her life played in a band. I usually don’t focus a lot on B-plots in these reviews but with the heavy weight of this subject matter and the “lessons” focus of this show, I’m surprised this wasn’t A and Girl Talk wasn’t B. (Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for the return of Girl Talk as an A plot, but in that case the cyberbullying plot was best saved for another episode).

The original attack occurred after Ramona turned down a boy in her class. She told him she wasn’t interested in him and he released a video making fun of her, which went viral beacuse people are shit-heads. She mistakenly thought DJ’s oldest son, Jackson, posted it (for reasons which don’t make any sense other than to provide drama in the show) and only learned the truth after the original video poster showed up to confront her.

Confront her about what, you may ask? Well, it turns out that the this boy has also been the victim of cyberbullying. He’s a friend of Jackson’s and it turns out the Jackson decided to cyberbully his friend in order to teach him a lesson about why cyberbullying is wrong…

Hm…okay. Well, there’s a whole lot of mess going on here.

Ramona does have a good line here directed at the OCB (Original Cyber-Bullier), “Just because someone says no to you, it doesn’t give you the right to be a bully.

He says, “Okay, I’m sorry. I just said I’m sorry. I must really like you.” (Uh okay, jackass. I mean you couldn’t possibly be sorry just because you were wrong, could you?)

She says, “Well you have a funny way of showing it.”

Then Jackson’s crush kind of starts liking him because he “stood up” for Ramona by bullying another student to teach him a lesson about bullying Ramona.

THE END. The freaking end.

That 5 minute B plot exchange at the end of this episode feels horribly light for what actually happened in this episode. I mean here we have a boy who bullied a girl because she said no to him and then a kid who retaliated against bullying with MORE bullying. HOW ARE WE NOT TALKING ABOUT THIS???

What happened to both Ramona AND the OCB is horrible. And it unfortunately seems to be happening to kids more and more these days. I guess now I’m seeing what happens when something I feel SHOULD be a very special episode isn’t. I mean I make fun of Very Special Episodes but like hm….I guess it should come as no surprise that I would prefer a Very Special Episode on bullying to bulling-as-a-punchline. (Unless, we’re talking about everything Carla does on Cheers. Then it’s okay.)

On another note, I did only watch 2 episodes, but there were ZERO references to Stephanie being a DJ…so basically I’m taking this as further evidence that the Netflix Fuller House production team probably reads this blog and takes all of my advice.

I can only hope we haven’t seen the very last of Girl Talk, but I won’t hold my breath on another revival any time soon. In the meantime, stay tuned for some Very Special Holiday episodes starting on December 15th!

BREAKING NEWS: The Return of Girl Talk!

First of all, this isn’t actually breaking news to anyone who has been following Fuller House. But as you well know, I got burned badly by the first season and I’ve been bitterly avoiding the reboot ever since.

But curiosity got the best of me and I decided to watch the trailer for the second season. I rolled my eyes A LOT. Even more than usual.

The schmaltz factor is high: The New Radicals’s “You Get What You Give” plays over a montage of “feel-good” moments highlighting the show’s “exciting” new season while harkening back to its nostalgic roots–even though Full House was several season over by the time the trailer’s featured song charted, but I digress.

There it was roughly 1 minute 43 seconds and 6.5 eye-rolls in, shining like a beacon of hope to my one major and well-documented request for this reboot: Girl Talk. It looks like we’ll be hearing “The Sign” again soon, Very Special Readers. Maybe they’ll even finish the song this time.

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It looks like DJ has joined the group as drummer with Kimmy and Steph as the only original band members. While I’m sad that it doesn’t look like Gia will be reprising her role, I guess they had to let Kimmy’s kid have something to do on the show.

I do NOT want to get my hopes up…but I’m kind of looking forward to this episode…

Fuller House Season Two, SMH

Ugh, okay America. Somehow you loved Fuller House enough to warrant a Season 2. Apparently, I missed the memo. Somehow, this show was a hit. While I pride myself on an in-depth knowledge of nostalgia, even I will never understand this. But I do have some notes. I’m sure Season 2 is in the can (it premieres December 10th if you’re so inclined), but here’s what I’m thinking would help:

      1. Let Jodi Sweetin dance. Just Jodi Sweetin. Not you other people who can’t really dance but somehow decided that appropriating Indian culture was a great way to give it a shot. Like PLEASE drop the stupid DJ storyline and just let her be a dancer.
      2. Bring back “Feedback”. You made us listen to “Jesse and the Rippers” saccharine single “Forever.” But I’d actually rather hear “Shout” any day of the week. Also, you can totally skip bringing back Scott Baio. Just recast him like you did Nelson.
      3. Leave the Olsen Twins alone. Those awkward jokes about their absences were some of the most painful moments in an already painful show.
      4. Get rid of Steve because you turned him into a creepy obsessive person. Also, the new guy is way cuter.
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      5. Involve the original cast of older actors as much as possible even though they are probably busy with other projects. Seriously, if this means a lot of Dave Coulier, I’m actually okay with that. The older actors are the biggest talents on that show. It’s not that the younger actors are bad, but I don’t feel like they are doing a good job of carrying this on their own. They do also have horrible, horrible scripts to work with even by Full House standards, so who knows.
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      6. Make Kimmy Gibbler the lead and give her all of the plotlines. Like I seriously do not care who DJ Tanner-Fuller is dating. I’m so bored. I’d rather just watch the lady who is cool enough to own a bacon and eggs scarf. Also, this is a great opportunity to bring back “Girl Talk,” which OBVIOUSLY would be more interesting than anything they produced last season.
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But clearly we’ve established that I’m in the minority of thinking this show is crap. You do you, America. I just don’t get it.