Saved by the Bell: Save the Max

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screen2bshot2b2014-09-012bat2b6-03-432bpmWhile trespassing in a closed off area of Bayside High School, Zack and Screech uncover a radio station, KKTY. The gang heads to The Max to plan out what each of their respective roles in the revived radio station will be. But when they get their order they find their burgers to be like 1/5 of the standard size. (Like if you order a quarter pounder and then someone brought you one single White Castle burger.)

Max explains that he’s had to make some cuts do to rising costs and everyone is extremely sympathetic, despite the fact that they’ve probably all paid 5 times too much for the amount of meat they’re getting. GUESS THERE’S NO STRESS WHEN YOU’RE USING MOMMY AND DADDY’S MONEY. But I digress.

Then they all talk about how no one has seen Max’s dog in a while and they wonder what could have happened to it, as they look suspiciously at their tiny burgers. Wait, SERIOUSLY, Saved by the Bell? A dog meat joke? This is TOO dark for your fare. I’m still having nightmares about that episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and now you just had to go and stir up my PTSD.

The lone investigative journalist at the station (Jesse Spano, obviously) uncovers a hot story when she discovers that the Bayside School District is Max’s landlord. The district plans to turn The Max into a parking lot if Max doesn’t pay $10,000 in back rent by the end of the week. Woah, woah, woah. That place is ALWAYS full. I know. I’ve been there. How the heck did Max mismanage his finances so badly?

Also, this school district owns a restaurant and an oil field? WHAT IS UP WITH THIS TOWN??

Anyway, the kids report this news on the radio without getting Principal Belding’s approval first (thus violating the terms of their radio station agreement). Zack senses something behind the principal’s outrage about potentially losing his job because he let a bunch of kids trash talk the school board on the radio, so Jesse starts investigating Belding. Eventually, she finds something. And just in case you forgot that it was “okay” to make rape-y jokes on television in the early 90’s:

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As it turns out, Belding got in trouble in high school for mooning the school board. Seems like he and Zack had a lot more in common than we thought! Belding, the original DJ of KKTY, protested the school board’s ban on long hair and jeans (hence the mooning), which lead to the station’s demise.

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Hey, hey, hey slow down here. First of all, there are REAL things to protest other than not getting to wear jeans and saving some unsustainable business. I mean really, Belding? You went to high school in the 60’s and your biggest concern was that your school board didn’t want you to have long hair? Sounds like a selfish jackass to me. I guess he and Zack really are the same. So Belding agrees to help with the radiothon. (RADIOTHON! Now this post makes sense, right???)

Screen Shot 2017-05-10 at 8.33.02 PMOn a side note, I dig this sweater that one of the extras is wearing at the radiothon. Can any Etsy friends hook me up with a similar look?

So pretty much the radiothon is just their regular radio show but in person and at The Max. I’d say that’s pretty weak in terms of a fundraiser. Lisa starts auctioning of gossip, Screech does a bad Al Bundy impersonation, and Slater pledge’s his life savings of $100.

Oh yeah, Slater’s at home instead of at the radiothon because he sucked at being on the radio. It’s a whole B-plot that I just didn’t go into.

When Zack loses his voices and everyone else falls asleep, Slater shows up and takes over the radiothon hosting. He makes a motivational speech (see below) and the phones start ringing off the hook.

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Sounds like it’s time for a group high-five!

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Boozey Bayside: Leaping to Conclusions

good-morning-miss-blissA few weeks ago, very special reader Shani requested an episode of Good Morning, Miss Bliss. The show originally aired on the Disney Channel in the late 80’s and is basically a very sad version of Saved by the Bell. (Sorry, Shani not even Zack Morris could save this one.) GMMB stars Haley Mills as the titular character.
I have a lot of love for Haley Mills. Her version of The Parent Trap is far and away better than the Lindsay Lohan version IMHO and the original That Darn Cat is one of the most underrated Disney movies of all time. But Miss Bliss does her no service and the whole “teacher guides class of middle schoolers through life” seems like such a snooze-fest that I would hate the whole premise if Boy Meets World hadn’t done it successfully a few years later. You’ll recognize Zack, Screech, and Lisa from Saved by the Bell. But the rest of the crew is made up of Nikki (who is kind of like a young Jesse Spano) and Mikey (who is kind of like a young AC Slater).

But we’re very “ask and ye shall receive” over here at The VSB, so my compromise is to drink while covering “Leaping to Conclusions” a.k.a. the frog dissection episode. It’s the end of summer, so I figured why not make the middle-aged mom’s drink of choice: Red Wine Spritzer (the cheap kind). Feel free to follow along and make one of your own:

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  • 1/3 can of San Pellegrino (I used blood orange)
  • 2/3 red wine (no, not the whole bottle, just fill the rest of your glass)
  • strawberry to garnish

Today in Miss Bliss’s class, the kids are learning about The Civil War. But they’re teenagers so they don’t give a crap. Wait, hold on. They don’t care about The Civil War? What kind of monster children is Miss Bliss teaching? But we don’t linger on that. Apparently, their callous feelings toward racial equality in the US was nothing but a cold open. The real issue here is that Mr. Belding won’t let the teachers buy supplies!

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This AC Slater wannabe has NEVER heard of The Civil War. 

Following a very heated discussion over a slide projector, Mr. Belding receives a piece of mail addressed to Miss Bliss. It’s from another school in the area and one can only presume that Miss Bliss thinks the supply situation will be better if she seeks employment there. Miss Bliss, why are you using your employer as your job-hunting address? Have you no home? These pressing questions and others, as we continue.

Meanwhile in science class, the kids of Miss Bliss’s class learn that they have to cut open frogs. This was one of the darkest days of my sixth grade experience, so I can relate. However, my issue was more due to an intense hatred of the smell of formaldehyde than any particular fuzzy feelings for amphibians, but apparently Nikki is a young frog-activist. To be fair, they’re straight up killing live frogs and then dissecting them in this class, which is pretty depressing. This could be interesting but we NEVER see anything. All we get to do is hear about how Nikki loves frogs. Why didn’t they just rip off E.T. and make it more interesting???

Nikki frees all of the frogs on the school’s football field, which of course happens off screen. Zack’s pissed off because he was actually looking forward to dissecting the frogs. He taunts Nikki and tell her to free all of the vegetables from the cafeteria because vegetables are living things too.

Luckily, Miss Bliss finds an alternative to frog dissection and suggests a computer program that simulates dissection. Obviously, this never took off because I was dissecting frogs years after this episode aired. Anyway, Nikki learns her lesson and spells it out PAINFULLY for everyone.

Also, I know you were all really concerned about the school supply issue from earlier: After Mr. Belding found that letter, he started showering Miss Bliss with tons of supplies. But it turns out that she had NO idea she would receive mail on another school’s letterhead. She’s not looking to leave at all! It was probably an old colleague writing to say hi! This causes Mr. Belding to offer her supplies to the science teacher. Then Miss Bliss threatens to fight him for them. Roll Credits.

Very Special Lesson: Ugh. See above screenshots, I guess. I will say though, I personally learned no more from frog dissection that I did from an anatomy text book. I was shocked and disgusted the whole time and therefore retained absolutely NONE of the information we were supposed to learn. Furthermore, I’m really really sad for everyone involved in this production. Even as a kids’ show, it’s boring AF. On the plus side, it makes Saved by the Bell look like cutting edge drama, so that must have felt like a major step up for any of the cast members who made it onto the new show.

 

Saved by the Bell: No Hope with Dope

nohope049This post is a little bittersweet for me. As you may know, I’ve already vowed not to cover the oft lampooned caffeine pill episode, which leaves this episode as the last technical “very special episode” of Saved by the Bell. However, if you’re a regular reader you may also be aware that I have a very broad definition of very special episode. I also flew across the country to go to Saved by the Max, so rest assured that I’ll find a way to keep Bayside around The VSB. (I mean hello, there is an entire wedding in Las Vegas that we have yet to cover! But I digress.)

When I first decided to start The Very Special Blog two years ago, there were a few quintessential very special episodes that sprang to mind. This was one of them. The simple reason for that is that it feels like someone looked at a manual on how to write a very special episode, checked off all of the boxes, and left us with this utterly formulaic masterpiece. We’ve got an ingenue who is so sweet and naive it’s basically like she walked off the set of Nell but with better English language skills (better known as Kelly Kapowski).

There’s the charming, respected authority figure whose poor choices with substances break down the idles of our protagonist. And then there’s this glorious, PSA, in which I’m 99.9% certain based upon no actual evidence that Elizabeth Berkley worked tirelessly with her acting coach to nail her one word line:

Let’s start at the beginning: Johnny Dakota, teen idol, has stopped by Bayside High School to scout it for an anti-drug commercial. It’s the first of many schools that Johnny plans to check out, but the students of Bayside decide they absolutely can’t miss out on the opportunity to have a PSA filmed at their school.

So they decide to win over Johnny Dakota with an anti-drug rap.vlcsnap-2015-01-16-17h29m26s165
The lyrics of which are as follows:
We’re Bayside students
And we’re no fools
We don’t use drugs
Cause it’s just not cool 
So if you get the offer
Make sure you refuse
When it comes to drugs
Just don’t use.

 

dope_kellyKelly Kapowski (who did not participate in said rap) runs in looking for Johnny Dakota, who has just departed on a tour of the school with Class President/Editor of the School Newspaper, Jessie Spano. Kelly is wearing, I kid you not, an orange unitard with a floral jacket, popped collar. This is weird even for 1991. Anyway, Johnny Dakota is smitten with orange unitard clad Kelly and therefore decides that he should film his commercial at Bayside.

Screen Shot 2016-07-08 at 6.49.20 PMEverything is great until one day, Zack and Slater smell pot in the boys’ room. (Hmmmm how do you innocent Bayside students know what pot smells like.) Soon after Zack has identified the mystery smell, Slater spots the culprit lying on the floor near the sink. They decide they need to hide it because if Johnny Dakota sees it, then he won’t film at Bayside. Unfortunately, Johnny walks in while they’re holding the joint. But he believes that it isn’t theirs, flushes it down the toilet, and offers them parts in the commercial.

Speaking of the commercial, another one of the featured students appears to be moonlighting as a thirty-five year old stripper. I’m not sure what they wardrobe department was going for with this look. Anyway, she tells a heart-wrenching story about her brother getting high and driving to the beach and ending up in a wheelchair. I know this is a very real situation and actually not even a “scare ’em straight” per se but all I can think about is how the way she tells this story reminds me of this poster from my high school chemistry class (which I’m pretty sure is in every American high school chemistry class) about Carol not wearing her goggles. But yeah actually, don’t get high and drive because that makes you such an asshole. Also, don’t drive and text. And don’t drive and text while also holding a cigarette like the idiot behind me in traffic the other day.

It’s good that we have very special episodes. They’re such good conversation starters for hot-button issues. I bet the next time you text while driving and smoking a cigarette, you will think twice about it, won’t you?

Slater tells the heartbreaking story of Len Bias. Then Zack hits us with John Belushi. It’s a powerful one-two punch to my pop culture soul. I’m so sad for literally 30 seconds because then Jesse has a line:

Omg stfu, Jessie. People have REAL problems. Also, you more than anyone need to stay away from cocaine. Seriously, girl. And maybe take up so yoga or meditation because your stress levels are scary high.

Screen Shot 2016-07-08 at 7.14.31 PMAll of this anti-drug talk leads Zack and Slater to enact some vigilante justice on a random guy they saw leaving the bathroom around the time they found “the roach.” But there turns out to be no reason to worry because it’s JUST a cigarette. After this Zack and Slater kind of let the whole Starsky & Hutch thing go for a little while. They’re also distracted by a party that Johnny has invited all of them to–even Screech, who somehow throws his back out. Slater’s going to take him home because none of the girls at the party will talk to him, which is weird because Mario Lopez is easily the most charasamtic person on the planet. This is played for laughs, of course, but it mostly just removes any shred of plausibility this show actually had.

johnny-dakota-20071107020515897-000While all of her friends are loading Screech into the car, Kelly is left alone with Johnny, who starts smoking and offers to share with Kelly. She’s totally destroyed that her anti-drug teen idol hero is just another casual drug user. Zack comes back in just as the entire room of party guests laughs at Kelly for “just saying no.” This was always my worst fear as a child. The crowd-mocking drug pushers masquerading as friendly people at a social gathering. And while the kids at my high school were most certainly no strangers to heavily mocking others, this never actually happened to me.

This is most likely due tot he fact that no one ever offered me drugs in high school since I’m pretty sure most of them thought of me as a female version of Anthony Michael Hall’s character in The Breakfast Club. And then when I got to college no one really cared who did drugs or not. I also went to like a weird hippie college where people did a lot of drugs but would also like just want to hang out. And if I went to a college where conforming was important and people hazed you and/or made you do weird things to be part of a club, I’m pretty sure I would have cried in my dorm room. But my college experience was seriously more like doing jello shots and then crying for no reason when all of the sugar and cheap vodka hit my system in the middle of a board game. Speaking of board games, I once invented a really great drinking version of Clue. 

The next day at school, Zack tells Johnny to call off the commercial because it’s wrong to smoke pot yourself and then tell a bunch of other people not to do it. Now, that’s something I can get behind. Nobody likes a hypocrite. So they all refuse to work with Johnny but then everyone is sad that they can’t make the commercial. Yet it just so happens that Mr. Belding knows the chairman of NBC. So they make the commercial anyway. Things always work out for the Bayside Gang. (Like seriously they are the live-action version of the Scooby-Doo Gang for real ya’ll.)

Very Special Lesson: Okay, I know this was all about drugs. But actually, I think the important lesson here is that people are shady. That Johnny dude was a two-faced creep and not worthy of the Bayside crew #friendsforever

Also, I just found this and I think it’s possibly my favorite graphical depiction of anything ever, so I’m going to leave this here for you:

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Inside The Max

Dear Very Special Readers, I have good news and bad news. The good news is I took a crap ton of photos of “Saved By the Max” for you. The bad news is my camera flash wasn’t on. All night, I couldn’t figure out why the photos sucked. I even blamed The Max for having poor lighting, shame on me! It’s not you, The Max, it’s me.

Since they’ve extended their run through December, I’ll post new photos if I ever visit again. And I do promise to double check that my flash is on if I make it to the Rue La Rue Cafe. But for now, this is all I have to give:

I tried to document everything, but there was one section that I failed to snap a photo of entirely. It was a little random “nook” that was setup to look like Mr. Belding’s office. It wasn’t big enough to be a set in and of itself, so it just seemed kind of random. I would have taken a picture, but I felt like the three people sitting at the table there wouldn’t have appreciated that.

The food was top notch, but our reservation was so late that I mostly just nibbled on a little bit of each of my 3 courses. This was all while shifting around in my seat and snapping pictures. (They ask you not to stand up and take photos until you’re done with your meal.) But the best part was the waitstaff. They were super friendly even though they were probably listening to the same 90 minute loop of early 90’s hits and songs by Zack Attack all night long.

On a more critical note, the aesthetic was a little confusing. The level of detail in Kelly’s locker, for example, was wonderful (anachronisms aside). However, the juke box was so thinly painted that you could see the wood beneath it. I know it’s a set (I remembered that the hard way when I shut the bathroom stall door too hard and the whole stall rattled). However, it would have been easier to dive into the fantasy if everything had been on the same level. Take for example that shiny, inviting vinyl on the booth. It was so comfy to sit in. But then there’s the juke box without even a gloss coat of paint and a bunch of blank song cards. I must admit that I built props in college so I probably care more than the average person, but it was distracting nonetheless.

And ordinarily, I don’t get political over here, but this is a pop up diner in which they literally built the rooms from scratch–yet there was no gender neutral bathroom. There was the girls room with a pink door and a group photo of the female members of the cast on the outside and the corresponding blue/group photo for the boys room. With everything happening in the world and the fact that this was built by design, recently, I couldn’t help but notice that choice.

 

 

 

Saved by the Bell: The College Years: Slater’s War

600x600bb-851This is a super timely post because I just impulse bought 2 tickets to Saved by the Max earlier today. See you in June, Chi-town!

Anyway, this is a college years episode. I actually didn’t think I had seen it before but then I got a few minutes in and realized I actually had seen this on TBS when I was like 15. And I loved these characters so much that I didn’t even think this episode was dumb.

But it actually is dumb, so I’ll focus on that for now. There’s a Latina in Slater’s class and she’s like really smart and brings up really great, thoughtful commentary. So Slater’s like getting to know her and she introduces him to Chicano Studies. He starts to learn more about his roots, which is cool. So like yeah, I can see how this could have been a great episode. Except that…

Slater gets all pissed off that Zack doesn’t know he’s Chicano. (Zack assumed he was Italian). But like Slater didn’t really seem to know he was Chicano. I mean sure, he probably knew it technically but Slater is like suddenly aware of his ethnicity. And then he thinks that he’s being discriminated against.

3164366bd56da9c27_wOkay, slow down there AC Slater. You know how Cuba Gooding, Jr. has that line in American Crime Story: “I’m not black, I’m OJ.” Well, yeah. I mean AC Slater is basically the OJ Simpson of Saved by the Bell. (But like personality wise he’s the OJ from the Hertz Commercials and not the OJ from real life). So like I’m pretty grossed out that Slater is playing the “race card.” Like you went to Bayside High, dude. You are America’s Sweetheart so shut the eff up.

But then Slater kind of comes to his senses and explains to Zack that he didn’t even know that his real last name was Sanchez until he started researching his heritage and that knowing his history is really important to him. Okay, cool. So like great. We’re all on the same page now, right? Wrong. Never underestimate Zack’s penchant for being an asshole. He once again makes everything about himself. (He’s pissed off because Slater won’t ditch the Latina he likes in order to go skiing with him and some babes). Zack says, “If you want to be a Chicano then be a Chicano. Just be one in Lake Tahoe.”

tumblr_inline_o2wvrjg3bg1s786z0_1280Slater says, “Haven’t you ever cared about anything other than your self?” NO! He hasn’t. Why are you even friends with this dude?? Kelly, Jesse, Slater, Lisa, and even Tori–they’re all relatively nice people. Why are they hanging out with this dude who has been treading water on the path to emotional intelligence for at least 4 years at this point? His hair is not that great. Especially not in the college years!

Also, hello Zack. Did you not spend like an entire freaking episode being a Native American and saying that was important to you??? So now Slater is a jerk for being into his Chicano heritage?

But he’s our “hero,” so he has to redeem himself. He goes to the sit-in that Slater and the other Chicano students are staging (because they want to establish a new department–it is basically a B plot–don’t worry about it.) While there Zack talks a cop out of arresting all the Chicano students (ugh white savior #amiright). But actually the cop wasn’t going to arrest them in the first place. So the only benefit of this speech is that Slater realizes that Zack cares about him and their friendship.

Just wait Slater. He’s going to screw you over in the next episode. This has already happened like 72 times.

Very Special Lesson: You know what, Mark Paul Gosselaar has got to be like the nicest man on the planet because based on the script alone Zack is the least sympathetic character ever. I’m convinced that he’s probably like a saint or something who when given that script somehow balanced out into this compelling character.

Saved by the Bell: Home for Christmas

The Bayside Gang have all gotten seasonal jobs at the mall! Slater is a gift-wrapper and Jesse is taking photos as Santa’s Village. Apparently, they let high schoolers do that. Totally saves on the cost of a professional photographer! Kelly’s working retail and it turns out that she’s working with a hot girl named Laura.

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Zack’s got the hots for Laura (like he does for every girl he meets) and starts to tell her about how he gave a homeless man he met in the bathroom some cash for food. Zack says he hopes the guy actually used it for food and isn’t a “wine-o.”

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Yes, Zack is once again proving to us that he is a jackass. Even worse, it turns out that the guy from the bathroom is Laura’s dad and they’re both homeless. So Zack’s blanket-insult also insulted his new love-interest. Just when you think Zack might finally get the brutal rejection he deserves, he apologizes to Laura and says he’s just ignorant. He comes from such an affluent background that he thinks poor people are people who don’t have cable. Ick.

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“Affluenza” patient zero

Kelly and Slater rush to his rescue and tell Laura to give him a chance. For some stupid reason she does. But like also she’s homeless and this dude wants to take her out to dinner, so I’m guessing this is just survival on her part.

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After getting a photo with Santa, Laura and Zack bump into Zack’s mom. She invites her to participate in the mall’s production of A Christmas Carol. Alas, the mall truly was a beacon of social and cultural life in the 90’s. Shortly thereafter, Laura’s dad collapses in the mall. When the gang goes to visit him (following the party that candy striper, Lisa, is throwing for the kids there) they find Laura visiting him and realize that she’s homeless too.

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Zack and his mom learn that most of us are just a few pay checks from financial instability. Laura is currently the sole bread-winner with her mall retail job. Kelly tries to help her buy a sports coat for her father by telling their boss that she’s homeless, so he will give her an advance on her pay.

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But their boss is an even bigger jackass than Zack and says he would have never hired Laura had he known she was homeless. When everyone heads off to A Christmas Carol, Kelly puts the sports coat behind the counter because she plans to buy it for Laura.

The gang’s production is horrible. I mean it’s so bad that I’m not even able to make fun of it in a humorous way here. It’s so boring and it’s six minutes of my life I will never get back. Slater plays Tiny Tim. Wtf. He’s the largest person there. But I will say this, there’s something charming about Tiffani Theisan’s cockney accent. Someone hire her for Pygmalion!

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Anyway, the show ends and the store owner freaks out when he finds the coat missing. He calls Laura a thief when he cannot find a sales receipt and she runs away. The gang searches for Laura but no one can find her or her dad. So then Zack’s mom is like well, it’s time to buy a Christmas tree. And Zack is all like, “No, mom. I’m not in the mood.” And she’s like, “It’s time to get on with Christmas.” What??? No. What??? It’s not like “the show much go on” like you’re definitely just choosing to stop looking for these people after a few hours because you really need to get a Fraser Fir in your living room this evening??? I have no words. Like Zack’s mom might be a sociopath.

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You don’t just take a girl to see Santa and then give up on her when she runs away from her mall-home.

Coincidentally, Laura and her dad are living in their car at the Christmas tree lot! How convenient! I guess Zack’s mom actually is okay because she doesn’t want to leave these poor people sleeping in their car on Christmas Eve. So they stay with Zack and his mom instead. And also the retail store owner from the mall realizes he’s been a total dick and hand delivers the wrapped coat to Laura at Zack’s house. They’re going to stay there until Laura’s dad gets a new job, which he’s totally going to be able to do now that he has a sports coat.

smohe-1447348558-552-list_items-xmas_sbtbSo hm. I mean I feel like these people were all just like nice to some homeless people but like didn’t really help them until they fled the freaking mall where they probably lived. I mean Zack and his mom invited them over for dinner ONE TIME after Laura’s dad was in the hospital for collapsing from malnutrition. And then they were like “bye! we’ll see you at the mall sometime later on!” But you know what, this is Saved by the Bell, the people who brought you “Running Zack.” And by that standard, this is really thoughtful and progressive.

Also, OMG Jessie and Zack are next door neighbors? How did I not know this??

Very Special Lesson: All I learned from this is that you can live at the mall and that the Morris Family are a bunch of assholes for not buying that man a full suit and letting that poor desperate girl spend their food-money on that sports coat instead. This is the 90’s. People still wore suits to work at like every corporate job in America! But no. They needed to buy that damn Christmas tree.

I think this calls for an incredulous Tori. sbthb2

Saved by the Bell: Teen-Line

Warning: This is a Tori episode.

In the alternate reality where Kelly and Jessie don’t exist, new-girl Tori suggests that Bayside implement an anonymous Teen helpline. Basically, these kids just give really bad advice to their peers with no adult supervision. Everything is going okay until Zack gets a call from “Melissa.” (Also, guys. You may have known about the unsightly gum infections smoking can cause, but did you know that smoking can cause sinusitis as well? Thanks to the poster behind Zack’s head, we can all remember to just say no.)

He breaks all of the rules of teen line. He asks for her last name, where she lives, and of course–if she’d like to go out on a date. They decide to meet at the Max. When Zack arrives, he’s found that she’s already sitting at a table, and he’s like woah she’s hot. And then he realizes she is in a wheelchair and he’s like woah that freaks me out.

He’s not even trying to be a respectful human.

My first instinct here is to make fun of Zack for being insensitive, yet again. But this was the early 90’s and the Americans with Disabilities Act had only been enacted a few years earlier. For 30 second I tried to be understanding, but then he qualified Melissa’s help with the teen-line as cool because she can give great advice “even though she’s handicapped.” Like wtf, you dick.

Tori is uncomfortable enough for all of us.

Then he embarrasses the hell out of her at their movie-date that night. He gets on a soapbox about literally everything, including asking the dude sitting in front of Melissa to “slump down” because she’s in a wheelchair. I’ll point out that Melissa wasn’t complaining about having trouble seeing the screen. The following day, he gets super defensive when Slater asks him, “how was your date with Melissa?” Zack think that Slater is curious about the date only because Melissa is handicapped. Like okay, clearly Zack is delusional.

Exactly.

No one’s ready to call Zack out on his crap just yet, so we head to the max to plan a way to save the Teen-line. (Oh yeah, I should probably mention that they’ve just learned the budget’s been cut.) Zack says he has an idea and Screech gets creepy, as per usual.

but. no...when did that EVER happen?
but. no…when did that EVER happen?

So then they decide to raise money with a wheelchair basketball game. But instead of involving actual kids in wheelchairs, they Bayside gang decides that THEY should play a game of basketball in wheelchairs. It’s kind of like a really offensive version of The Harlem Globetrotters.

At the end of the game, Zack makes a speech about how remarkable Melissa is for living life in a wheelchair. After that, she doesn’t want to talk to him anymore and he’s all like aw man, why doesn’t she like me wahhhh. And Tori is basically like, it’s because you’re an insensitive turd.
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I know I’m putting it in writing, but if you throw this back at me I will STILL deny it: I kind of like Tori in this episode…

Anyway, Zack takes Melissa to a dance and manages not to be a total prick. He’s learned his lesson, and grown as a person! Until the next time he’s a jackass and we somehow find it endearing…#teamslater

Very Special Lesson: Melissa is a person who is in a wheelchair not a wheelchair person. Shut up, you know what I mean.