Boy Meets World: Santa’s Little Helper

Mr. Feeney reads the class A Christmas Carol and discovers that Cory and Shawn really don’t get it because they keep expecting the Grinch to show up. He asks Topanga to switch seats with Cory (which she tries to do through transcendental meditation because she used to be New Age, remember) who describes A Christmas Carol as going to cool places with ghosts when you’re mean.

Topanga tries to explain to them the historical origins of Christmas and it’s evolution from the winter solstice tradition. (Uh-oh, I said Christmas, evolution, and solstice in the same sentence. I feel like someone isn’t going to like that.)

Cory is so certain that he’s getting a basketball for Christmas that he’s saved up money to buy his gift a gift, a $5 net (that’s $8.46 in today’s money, for those of you keeping track at home).

Meanwhile, poor little Morgan has been traumatized by a trip to the mall to visit Santa. Apparently, there was a mean elf and Santa had a heart attack right as Morgan was asking him for her present. So she thinks she killed him. (He’s actually alive, in the hospital, and intubated.) Yikes. People spend years in therapy for this kind of stuff.

When Cory arrives home from school, he immediately runs to the tree to see if there are any new presents to shake. AHHH WHAT A WONDER TIME OF LIFE THIS IS! He can’t wait to head over to Shawn’s because Shawn has been bragging about all the gifts under his Christmas tree. That’s when Cory’s dad tells him that Shawn’s dad lost his job, and Cory realizes that Shawn may be having a Christmas more on par with Tiny Tim’s than his own. (So I guess he did learn something from the book.) Cory decides to give Shawn one of the presents from under their tree since he’s no Scrooge.

boy-meets-world-santas-little-helper-07_0

But when Cory gives Shawn the basketball, Shawn realizes he’s feeling sorry for him and he doesn’t like it. Cory says, “Christmas is about charity. You should be thanking me.” Mr. Feeney overhears from next door and tells Cory that “a true gift is given with no expectation” and that Cory “gave the gift to get the thanks.” He gives Cory the example of friendship as a true gift.

In a surprising turn of events, the mean elf shows up at the house to return their money since Morgan wasn’t able to take a photo with Santa. He also tells her father that he thinks she’s a demon child because Santa had a heart attack when she sat on his lap. Wow, harsh!

Meanwhile, at school, Shawn is embarrassed because he doesn’t have any money to contribute to Mr. Feeney’s Christmas gift. The little shit collecting the money at school, Minkus, says that he can’t put his name on the card without him contributing to the fun, even if he doesn’t have the money, so Cory tells him privately that Shawn lent him $5 which he had forgotten to return. Thus, Shawn is included and Cory’s gift is anonymous. The class gives Mr. Feeney a nice thick dictionary because they obviously think he has no interests outside of school.

When Shawn thanks Minkus for including his name on the card even though he didn’t contribute Minkus tells him not to thank him since Cory contributed the money that he owed Shawn. Realizing that Cory’s not a terrible person out for charity only to feel good about himself, he stops by Cory’s house to give him a basketball net.

At the end of the night, Mr. Feeney stops by the house dressed as Santa and tells Morgan that he is okay and that Mrs. Claus undercooked his figgy pudding, so none of this was Morgan’s fault. This makes Morgan feel better, but now she wants to know why Santa looks like Mr. Feeney!!

11015

Very Special Holiday Lesson: Mall Santas are always a bad idea. You’re not helping other people when you’re focused on making yourself look good.

Advertisements

Sabrina the Teenage Witch: A Girl and Her Cat

Sabrina is very upset with Salem because he ruined her favorite Christmas sweater. (Um, she’s a WITCH why can’t she just zap it back to perfection?) When Salem won’t say he’s sorry, the family leaves him alone to reflect on his actions (which no cat has ever done ever.)

a-girl-and-her-cat-1-11-sabrina-the-teenage-witch-24374455-500-333

While Salem is in timeout, Sabrina goes to a pizza place to meet Harvey. Harvey gives Sabrina a silver choker for Christmas. Sabrina gives Harvey a scarf, but she notices that Salem has ripped up the wrapping and she gets mad again. Just as they are about to kiss under the mistletoe, Salem causes a ruckus. He’s snuck into the pizza place and is chasing a mouse. They get tossed out of the pizza place when Sabrina is accused of brining a cat into the building.

In the alley out back, Sabrina and Salem argue and he refuses to come home with her. Salem’s plan is to sulk for a while and make everyone worry about him before he makes his way home. But as he heads back to the house, a kid hits him with his bike. He’s worried about Salem, so he takes him home.

OMG THE GUY PLAYING THE KID’S DAD IS THE GUY WHO PLAYED THE DAD IN CLARISSA EXPLAINS IT ALL. IT’S A WEIRD CLARISSA/SABRINA REUNION!!!

sabrinagirlandcat05

Salem manages to call Sabrina while the kid is away for a moment. He comes back into the room while Sabrina is on the phone and tells her that the cat his now DUN DUN DUN!

So they can’t use magic to find him because you have to wait 24 hours to file a missing witches report. This means they have to search for him “the mortal way.” But apparently the mortal way involves zapping Coolio out of an advertisement in the alleyway, so he can tell them what he saw.

Most importantly, poster-Coolio saw that the kid’s bike had a vanity plate that said “Rex,” so we at least know the youth’s name. Coolio points them in the right direction and they start going door to door. (There’s a lot of going door to door for pets in this year’s very special holiday season posts.)

Sabrina eventually find the right house, but Rex won’t give Salem back. So Sabrina disguises herself as Santa and gives the kid a spatula and a Neil Diamond box set, to which he replies, “Didn’t you get my fax?”

1996 A YEAR WHEN CHILDREN FAXED THEIR LETTERS TO THE NORTH POLE!

She tells him he’ll get more presents in the morning, but she’s really there–I mean SANTA is really there–to take the cat back because there was a mixup and he got the wrong cat. When he still refuses to return Salem, Sabrina grabs the cat and runs. So then the kid screams and cries, “SANTA STOLE MY CAT!” repeatedly until his mother comes running into the room.

His mother (who never knew about the cat, only his father knew) tells him that he must have had a bad dream because he doesn’t have a cat. So the little boy says, “I saw him. He was real. He game me this spatula.” His mother looks bewildered and this poor kid is probably going to need years of therapy…though he did steal a cat so maybe he needed years of therapy anyway and hopefully this will speed along that process.

cbs_sabrina_011_content_cian_640x360

Very Special Holiday Lesson: As Salem says, “There are worse places to be during the holidays than with your family.”

Family Matters: Stevil II: This Time He’s Not Alone

This is so late into the Family Matters run that little Richie is calling Urkel “Uncle Steve.” We see this during the obligatory pre-show warning that this is a “scarrrrry episode.” No, but it really is scary. I’m terrified.

I think it’s pretty obvious that this is a dream-sequence episode because Steve literally falls asleep on the couch in the first two minutes and the dream sequence music plays. HOWEVER, the power of Stevil is great and just in case Freddy Krueger laws apply, I don’t think we should feel TOO SAFE in the dream sequence.

Stevil emerges from the toilet (where Steve ground him up and flushed him away years ago) only to reveal that he’s been bobbing for rats in the sewer. BARF. But now he’s back in the Winslow house. He’s there to steal Steve’s soul.

stevil4

Of course, he showed up at the Winslow house. Stevil is too smart to go looking for Steve at Steve’s house. Guys, does Steve have parents? Like maybe they moved away years ago and he’s just like lingering at the neighbors house because he didn’t want to move to a new town. Didn’t that happen in Boy Meets World? Like Topanga didn’t want to move away from Philly so she like tried to live with Corey and that was weird for obvious reasons. Okay, okay, wrong show. Let’s get back to Family Matters.

Just as Stevil is sucking Steve’s soul out of his eyes, Steve wakes up on the Winslow house because it was all (say it with me now) JUST A DREAM!

After comforting Steve and telling him to grow up, Carl Winslow heads upstairs and goes to bed fully clothed, sleeping on top of the covers. Cue the next dream sequence.

Carl heads downstairs and finds a box marked “fragile” and labeled with his name. He opens it to find his very own CARL VENTRILOQUIST DUMMY! But he thinks it’s cool and not at all scary. But it doesn’t take long for him to realize that this dummy is possessed too! He is known as “Carlsbad.”

hqdefault1

But then the worst thing they do is have a dance-off amongst themselves.

hqdefault

OH WAIT. THEY’RE TRYING TO STEAL SOULS AGAIN! They chase Carl and Steve throughout the house. It’s a surprisingly tight race, considering that Carl and Steve have normal, adult-male sized legs, whereas Carlsbad and Stevil have doll legs.

In hot pursuit, Carlsbad and Stevil break down the door to Carl’s room, where he and Steve have created a barricade behind a large chest of drawers. Just as Carl thinks they’ve defeated them, Steve disappears. They’ve stolen his soul!! And actually, yeah, Jaleel White does look pretty creepy here:

1-family-matters-part-2-1002x750

Carl and Carlsbad engage in a battle to the death. Or battle to the soul? Whichever comes first, I guess. Carl wins out against the dummies, but Steve zombie still wants to eat his soul!!

maxresdefault

Okay, but remember how this was all just a dream? It totally was, so don’t worry!! Unless, you believe the end credits where Carlsbad and Stevil are standup comedians. Ugh. Actually, something about that is even creepier than anything else in this episode.

I dunno. Maybe you guys don’t think Stevil/Carlsbad are scary. I think they’re terrifying. But the more I think about it, the more I think that may be because I watched the movie Magic with my mom when I was five. I don’t think she realized it was a horror movie. Kind of like the time my grandmother read that Leprechaun was going to be playing on TV and assumed it was a children’s movie. It’s amazing I survived my childhood. And now I write this blog! Never give up on your dreams!

Very Special Halloween Lesson: No. Dolls.

Sabrina, the Teenage Witch: The Halloween Scene

Sabrina has no plans for Halloween. Her friends all think it’s lame and her aunts will be in the other realm at a new galaxy opening, a very exclusive event. So she’s decided to have a house party at their empty house and encourage all of her college friends to attend.

Since when do you have to get college kids excited about Halloween? But fine. And if anything says, “cool party” it’s got to be Sabrina’s little bo-peep costume couples costume with her cat, Salem, dressed as a lamb. But the party does seem to be a little cool when the lights flicker and monsters that Sabrina has hired from the other realm show up. Everyone thinks they’re just really great scary haunted house actors, but of course, they are legit ghouls.

tumblr_off0a0gYdf1raqntvo6_400

Meanwhile, Sabrina’s aunts are feeling self-conscious at the galaxy opening, realizing they look like Romy & Michele at a black tie event. They also learn that the new galaxy is a landfill and no one wanted to attend the party, so they extended the guest list at the last moment. As our current president would say, “Sad.”

Tumblr_mbwhm4t2Ej1rn2pfqo1_500

Back at the ghoul-party, the party planner has apparently sent so many ghouls that the party is now over-run with ghouls. Meanwhile, word has gotten out that this party is happening, and all of her aunt’s belongings are getting decimated.

Okay, so. Hm. This is the problem I’ve always had with a sitcom about magic, especially one that doesn’t even have pressure from an over-bearing husband to deter its lead from using it (I’m looking at you, Bewitched). Why don’t her aunts just fix their ridiculous costumes by conjuring up some better costumes? Why doesn’t Sabrina just magically repair all of the damage to her aunt’s house?

But none of it matters because soon, Sabrina’s aunts are leaving their lame galaxy party to attend a much cooler party, which they quickly learn is Sabrina’s party at their home. They’re not terribly excited about it.

However, Sabrina’s peeved aunts are the least of her worries. When it’s time to return all of the ghouls, she realizes that Frankenstein is missing. Apparently, he’s gone home with one of her friends–eek–and they are quite smitten. Sabrina drags him back to her house but he resists going back to the other realm due to marital problems with The Bride of Frankenstein. So Sabrina and her aunts travel back with him to help them communicate, using a little magic. SO WHY COULDN’T SHE USE MAGIC TO FIX THE WATER STAIN ON THE PIANO BEFORE THEY GOT HOME?!?

Okay, fine. At least we get this cute little scene.

cbs_sabrina_100_content_cian_640x360

Very Special Halloween Lesson: If you have magic powers, use them to make sure you’re dressed appropriately for a black tie event. Don’t squander them by becoming armchair analysts for the Frankensteins.

Girl Meets Goodbye

Girl Meets World aired their series finale last night. You all know how I feel about this show, so I may as well have called this post Girl Meets Good Riddance. But I am excited to post about it because this is finally the episode with the gigantic Boy Meets World reunion!! (Including both Morgan’s!! Cannot wait to see how they do that!)

BACK ROW: RIDER STRONG, CHERYL TEXIERA, DANNY MCNULTY, WILLIAM RUSS, BETSY RANDLE, LEE NORRIS, WILL FRIEDLE, ANTHONY TYLER QUINN; FRONT ROW: AUGUST MATURO, DANIELLE FISHEL, SABRINA CARPENTER, ROWAN BLANCHARD, WILLIAM DANIELS, BEN SAVAGE, URIAH SHELTON, LILY NICKSAY, LINDSAY RIDGEWAY, MICHAEL JACOBS

The episode starts off with Maya asking Riley if Topanga has made a decision about taking a job in London (meaning the entire family will move away from New York City). Cory teaches some overbearing lesson to the class about “Belgium 1831” and how it’s all like what they’re going through (namely, what HIS kid is going through) right now. UGH these kids better not be Millennials. We don’t need anyone else accusing us of being self-centered like this! When were these children born? They better be in a different generation! (Ugh, crap. Apparently Millennials were born all the way until 2004. We’ll I’d just like to divest the late 80’s/early 90’s babies from that set, PLEASE.)

So Topanga assembles everyone important to her to bounce around some ideas. (This includes former school bully/current school janitor, Harley. And Minkus…who we didn’t even seen for the last several years of Boy Meets World, but I guess he’s kind of a big deal now because he’s Farkle’s dad.)

Morgan_Matthews(s).pngAs far as both Morgan’s are concerned, they address them both as Morgan. Both as “their sisters.” This is horrible. I REALLY REALLY dislike this. Also, Mr. Turner isn’t even here. This episode super sucks. Oh wait, jk. He literally just walked through the door.

The only cool thing is you get to see Feeny and Eric talk. They’re still funny together. Also, Shawn announces he’s going to adopt Riley. Topanga is mad because she wants to talk about the job offer and she feels like they’re stealing her thunder. Uh, sorry Topanga. A kid just gained a dad today, you jerk.

The Morgan’s offer Cory and Topanga’s youngest kid some advice. They tag-team out mid conversation. This is weird. Maya is really sad and she says that Riley won’t leave because they belong together, but then Josh comes over to talk with all of them and Maya decides that life is replacing Riley with Josh (because she’s a self-centered person who gives a bad name to us older Millennials). They all say they hope to get to keep being themselves and blah blah blah.

Oh, whoops, guess what! Topanga decides they won’t move!! (So really they totally ripped off the end of That 70’s Show where they think they’ll sell the house and move but then they actually don’t. Is this a trope? How many other shows have done this?)

Ugh, now we’re back to Corey talking about “Belgium 1831” and how it applies to their small little lives again. Like seriously, there are like 5 kids in this class who ever cared about the move and the other 12 kids must be so pissed. If my kid had a teacher who taught around 5 kids, I would be calling the PTA like crazy. Cory must be really taking advantage of tenure.

Then there’s a flashback to Cory’s last monologue from Boy Meets World (to original Josh, who I think is the show creator’s son). Now, THAT was a good finale. And then we return to Girl Meets World. As they wrap up their chat inside Topanga’s bakery, a patron comes in and I am 99% sure that he is the grown up version of that OG Josh. By the way OG Josh is a lot older than replacement Josh. They like definitely aged that character down. And then that’s the end! This writing is so bad, it’s literally just the nostalgia factor that kept this show going. OMG it HAS to be. So yep, good riddance.

Anyhow, if you made it all the way end to this crappy post about a crappy show, tell me in the comments which Morgan you liked better on Boy Meets World. I’m team OG Morgan, Lily Nicksay.

both_morgans_promo_pic

Sabrina, The Teenage Witch: Sabrina Nipping at Your Nose

mv5bmjizotgwmju1ov5bml5banbnxkftztgwnze3mzuymje-_v1_sx640_sy720_It is too cold in New England for Sabrina and she desperately hopes for a trip to a warmer climate. Instead of using magic to zap herself to the equator, she calls into a radio contest and has her Aunt Zelda answer a “science question.” I’m assuming they do use magic at some point though because Sabrina hangs up the phone before telling the DJ what her aunt’s name is.

Meanwhile, Salem has ordered himself “The 12 Days of Christmas” from the other realm’s 89-cent store. The gifts are kinda jacked up though. Here they are in order of their appearance on the show:

Danny “Partridge” in a pear tree.

*Two dead turtles with wings stapled onto their shells. (ick.)

*Three French Women sitting under those globe hair dryer things (They’re the “hens,” apparently. I also just learned that a Bachelorette party is also called a “Hen Party.”)

*4 – 8. Who knows. They’re not featured.

*9 very large, uncoordinated ladies dancing on the second floor of the house

*11 pipers piping and 12 drummers drumming, indoors, all at the same time

They’re also going to bring Harvey on the trip! But unfortunately, a large snowstorm has other ideas. I guess they could just magically zap themselves down to Jamaica, but that wouldn’t really work with Harvey…

e6356575a40dc298ae55bd1be0957e9dSo Sabrina tries a spell to change the weather. Unfortunately, she ends up changing herself into a snowman instead. And then she starts melting…and melting…and by the time her aunts come home, she’s nothing but a snowman’s head.

As it turns out, the only way to turn Sabrina back into a human is for her to plead her case directly to Mother Nature (depicted as a high-power CEO). So her aunts put her in a pail and take her over to corporate headquarters. Too bad Sabrina didn’t just check the weather because it turns out that the snow was going to stop that night anyway.

Luckily, Mother Nature is feeling charitable, so she turns her back into a human and determines her punishment to be as follows: Sabrina must spend time with Willard Kraft and fill him with Christmas cheer. Mother Nature gives her a little Christmas tree lapel pin and tells her that Mr. Kraft will be “sufficiently cheered” when the star at the top of the tree lights up.

So Sabrina takes Mr. Kraft back in time through the grandfather clock aunt her aunts’ store. She hopes to show him a good Christmas memory, so he will feel a little holiday cheer. Kind of Ghost of Christmas Past-y. It turns out that Mr. Kraft doesn’t really have any happy Christmas memories, but he DOES actually feel cheered up by their tour of the past. He decides all he needs to do is lower his expectations for Christmas and then he will never be disappointed. Aw, bummer.

So Sabrina decides to invite Mr. Kraft to Jamaica instead of Harvey. Sadly, Hilda ruins everything by casting the same spell that Sabrina did earlier (except this time to make the snow come back). She’d rather be a snowman than go to Jamaica with Mr. Kraft. But Mr. Kraft is okay with not going to Jamaica. He’s just happy to not be alone on Christmas.

Also, Salem complains to the 89-cent store and they send him a baker’s dozen of donuts as restitution. So…looks like I’ll be celebrating the 13 Days of Christmas next year.

Very Special Lesson: No one should be alone on Christmas, but if you really want to be alone on Christmas then you should be a snowman.