Girl Meets Goodbye

Girl Meets World aired their series finale last night. You all know how I feel about this show, so I may as well have called this post Girl Meets Good Riddance. But I am excited to post about it because this is finally the episode with the gigantic Boy Meets World reunion!! (Including both Morgan’s!! Cannot wait to see how they do that!)

BACK ROW: RIDER STRONG, CHERYL TEXIERA, DANNY MCNULTY, WILLIAM RUSS, BETSY RANDLE, LEE NORRIS, WILL FRIEDLE, ANTHONY TYLER QUINN; FRONT ROW: AUGUST MATURO, DANIELLE FISHEL, SABRINA CARPENTER, ROWAN BLANCHARD, WILLIAM DANIELS, BEN SAVAGE, URIAH SHELTON, LILY NICKSAY, LINDSAY RIDGEWAY, MICHAEL JACOBS

The episode starts off with Maya asking Riley if Topanga has made a decision about taking a job in London (meaning the entire family will move away from New York City). Cory teaches some overbearing lesson to the class about “Belgium 1831” and how it’s all like what they’re going through (namely, what HIS kid is going through) right now. UGH these kids better not be Millennials. We don’t need anyone else accusing us of being self-centered like this! When were these children born? They better be in a different generation! (Ugh, crap. Apparently Millennials were born all the way until 2004. We’ll I’d just like to divest the late 80’s/early 90’s babies from that set, PLEASE.)

So Topanga assembles everyone important to her to bounce around some ideas. (This includes former school bully/current school janitor, Harley. And Minkus…who we didn’t even seen for the last several years of Boy Meets World, but I guess he’s kind of a big deal now because he’s Farkle’s dad.)

Morgan_Matthews(s).pngAs far as both Morgan’s are concerned, they address them both as Morgan. Both as “their sisters.” This is horrible. I REALLY REALLY dislike this. Also, Mr. Turner isn’t even here. This episode super sucks. Oh wait, jk. He literally just walked through the door.

The only cool thing is you get to see Feeny and Eric talk. They’re still funny together. Also, Shawn announces he’s going to adopt Riley. Topanga is mad because she wants to talk about the job offer and she feels like they’re stealing her thunder. Uh, sorry Topanga. A kid just gained a dad today, you jerk.

The Morgan’s offer Cory and Topanga’s youngest kid some advice. They tag-team out mid conversation. This is weird. Maya is really sad and she says that Riley won’t leave because they belong together, but then Josh comes over to talk with all of them and Maya decides that life is replacing Riley with Josh (because she’s a self-centered person who gives a bad name to us older Millennials). They all say they hope to get to keep being themselves and blah blah blah.

Oh, whoops, guess what! Topanga decides they won’t move!! (So really they totally ripped off the end of That 70’s Show where they think they’ll sell the house and move but then they actually don’t. Is this a trope? How many other shows have done this?)

Ugh, now we’re back to Corey talking about “Belgium 1831” and how it applies to their small little lives again. Like seriously, there are like 5 kids in this class who ever cared about the move and the other 12 kids must be so pissed. If my kid had a teacher who taught around 5 kids, I would be calling the PTA like crazy. Cory must be really taking advantage of tenure.

Then there’s a flashback to Cory’s last monologue from Boy Meets World (to original Josh, who I think is the show creator’s son). Now, THAT was a good finale. And then we return to Girl Meets World. As they wrap up their chat inside Topanga’s bakery, a patron comes in and I am 99% sure that he is the grown up version of that OG Josh. By the way OG Josh is a lot older than replacement Josh. They like definitely aged that character down. And then that’s the end! This writing is so bad, it’s literally just the nostalgia factor that kept this show going. OMG it HAS to be. So yep, good riddance.

Anyhow, if you made it all the way end to this crappy post about a crappy show, tell me in the comments which Morgan you liked better on Boy Meets World. I’m team OG Morgan, Lily Nicksay.

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Sabrina, The Teenage Witch: Sabrina Nipping at Your Nose

mv5bmjizotgwmju1ov5bml5banbnxkftztgwnze3mzuymje-_v1_sx640_sy720_It is too cold in New England for Sabrina and she desperately hopes for a trip to a warmer climate. Instead of using magic to zap herself to the equator, she calls into a radio contest and has her Aunt Zelda answer a “science question.” I’m assuming they do use magic at some point though because Sabrina hangs up the phone before telling the DJ what her aunt’s name is.

Meanwhile, Salem has ordered himself “The 12 Days of Christmas” from the other realm’s 89-cent store. The gifts are kinda jacked up though. Here they are in order of their appearance on the show:

Danny “Partridge” in a pear tree.

*Two dead turtles with wings stapled onto their shells. (ick.)

*Three French Women sitting under those globe hair dryer things (They’re the “hens,” apparently. I also just learned that a Bachelorette party is also called a “Hen Party.”)

*4 – 8. Who knows. They’re not featured.

*9 very large, uncoordinated ladies dancing on the second floor of the house

*11 pipers piping and 12 drummers drumming, indoors, all at the same time

They’re also going to bring Harvey on the trip! But unfortunately, a large snowstorm has other ideas. I guess they could just magically zap themselves down to Jamaica, but that wouldn’t really work with Harvey…

e6356575a40dc298ae55bd1be0957e9dSo Sabrina tries a spell to change the weather. Unfortunately, she ends up changing herself into a snowman instead. And then she starts melting…and melting…and by the time her aunts come home, she’s nothing but a snowman’s head.

As it turns out, the only way to turn Sabrina back into a human is for her to plead her case directly to Mother Nature (depicted as a high-power CEO). So her aunts put her in a pail and take her over to corporate headquarters. Too bad Sabrina didn’t just check the weather because it turns out that the snow was going to stop that night anyway.

Luckily, Mother Nature is feeling charitable, so she turns her back into a human and determines her punishment to be as follows: Sabrina must spend time with Willard Kraft and fill him with Christmas cheer. Mother Nature gives her a little Christmas tree lapel pin and tells her that Mr. Kraft will be “sufficiently cheered” when the star at the top of the tree lights up.

So Sabrina takes Mr. Kraft back in time through the grandfather clock aunt her aunts’ store. She hopes to show him a good Christmas memory, so he will feel a little holiday cheer. Kind of Ghost of Christmas Past-y. It turns out that Mr. Kraft doesn’t really have any happy Christmas memories, but he DOES actually feel cheered up by their tour of the past. He decides all he needs to do is lower his expectations for Christmas and then he will never be disappointed. Aw, bummer.

So Sabrina decides to invite Mr. Kraft to Jamaica instead of Harvey. Sadly, Hilda ruins everything by casting the same spell that Sabrina did earlier (except this time to make the snow come back). She’d rather be a snowman than go to Jamaica with Mr. Kraft. But Mr. Kraft is okay with not going to Jamaica. He’s just happy to not be alone on Christmas.

Also, Salem complains to the 89-cent store and they send him a baker’s dozen of donuts as restitution. So…looks like I’ll be celebrating the 13 Days of Christmas next year.

Very Special Lesson: No one should be alone on Christmas, but if you really want to be alone on Christmas then you should be a snowman.

Sabrina, The Teenage Witch: Good Will Haunting

Cue: Creepy pipe organ music and a red-eyed bat flying at the camera.

Salem sits at a cob-webbed covered desk and reads to us from a giant book. This episode, he says, “may not be suitable for some parents.” Ooooh

In the witching world, Halloween is kind of like Christmas, which is why Sabrina’s family member sends her a doll as a gift. It’s weird because she’s too old for a doll but even weirder because the doll is creepy AF.

tve46167-675-19981030-0Sabrina finds the doll on the staircase “staring” at her. Thinking that Salem is pulling a prank, she tosses the doll up the stairs. OMG Sabrina, NO! You will anger her! But when she and her friends are watching a movie, she sees the doll again. This time it turns its head at her and BLINKS its eyes. AGHHHHHHH

This may be the most frightening thing I have ever written about on this blog.

When Sabrina tries to open the door for some trick-or-treaters, she finds that she is not only unable to open it, but also that it is electrified! This must be the doll’s doing. As if it couldn’t get any worse the doll says, “I’m a Molly Dolly and I’m gonna get youuuu.”

Wtf. How is this a show aimed at children?? Thank God, I missed this episode back in 1998. I’m starting to think that Salem’s message at the beginning of the episode wasn’t about parents at all. Why didn’t he say “this show is not for children or anyone who can’t handle scary movies on any level whatsoever.”

Meanwhile, Sabrina’s aunts are at a Halloween party. Unfortunately, that party has turned out to be an insane asylum that they can never leave, Hotel California style. So basically, Sabrina and her friends are about to get murdered by a doll and no one can save them.

18bd4f0e71635aa4ea788a7c9b66c887Sabrina attempts to warn her friends about the evil doll, but they think she is playing a prank. I guess they’d think it was part of the prank if she tried to tell them she was a witch too.

Back at the insane asylum, an evil doctor chases Sabrina’s aunts with a giant needle. Ick. When a real Frankenstein’s Monster and a Mummy pop out of a closet (these are also Harvey and his friend’s costumes by the way), her friends say this prank has gone TOO far. But they’re obviously scared enough to run around the house while the monsters chase them.

sabrina3-11Things reach a fever pitch when Sabrina engages in fisticuffs with the doll, and her aunts are the subjects of a scary experiment to switch their brains with those of some chickens. Sabrina subdues the doll and rushes to the party to find her aunts…who unfortunately are now chickens.

Luckily, the party isn’t really an insane asylum. It’s a theme party. So at the end of the night, everything will go back to normal. Also, that evil creepy doll is just the other realm’s idea of a good time. Sabrina and her aunts return home and put everything right. They laugh everything off as an elaborate practical joke. Omg how does Sabrina even have any friends?? She needs to put some kind of memory loss spell on all of them STAT.

Very Special Halloween Lesson: NO more dolls. Ever.

Boy Meets World: Who’s Afraid of Cory Wolf?

bmw-s2-castIt’s a dark and stormy night, as Cory sits at his desk in the suburbs of Philadelphia. He writes with a quill pen, stolen from his mother’s feather duster, carefully documenting his transformation from teenage boy to WEREWOLF. (cue eerie music).

It all started the night before when Mr. Feeney told Cory that a wolf had escaped from the Philadelphia Zoo. Feeney warns him not to put the Matthews Family trash outside, but Corey doesn’t listen. And that’s when the wolf bites him. Only the next day, there is no bite mark. This can only mean that the bite came from a werewolf because your standard, run-of-the-mill wolf would definitely leave a mark.

boy-meetsThe next day he’s hairier. Eric tell him that this could be the first signs of a werewolf transformation. He shows him a tabloid newspaper and Corey takes it seriously. After hearing about werewolf sitings on the radio, Cory seeks out the help of a medium. She mistakes him for Billy Joel at first, but she does confirm that Cory is well on his way to becoming a full-on wolf. She paints a picture of what’s to come:
Corey will develop an insatiable appetite. He will develop a pentagram in the palm of his hand. He will descend into madness and gruesomely kill the girl who “cares for him.” (Topanga, duh. But Cory doesn’t think she likes him, so he’s not worried.)

Meanwhile, Mr Turner is busy teaching Lord of the Flies. Cory arrives late, having spent too much time having his fortune told, and is given three days of detention. When Mr. Turner catches him writing a note to Shawn, Cory’s first instinct is to eat the paper. But he’s horrified to realize that an urge to eat paper just might be that new appetite he’s developing because of the wolf thing.

hqdefaultMr. Turner asks to see Cory after class. So Cory sits down on Mr. Turner’s desk and picks up his keys. I guess he feels more familiar since Mr. Turner is basically Shawn’s dad. Mr. Turner has a pentagon key chain, which Cory apparently thinks is the same thing as a pentagram. He runs away and bumps into Topanga, who says that she can tell him if something is wrong because she cares about him. OH NO!

Desperate, Cory returns to the medium. She tells him he won’t kill Topanga until the full moon, which unfortunately happens to be that very night. Cory begs her to tell him how he can stop himself. Apparently, all he has to do is have someone he loves shoot him through the heart with a silver bullet. Woah. This just got reaaaal dark.

960Things reach a fever pitch when Cory asks his dad to throw a silver picture frame at him “really, really hard.” Cory’s dad tells him that he’s not turning into a werewolf and it’s probably just the beginning of puberty. But Cory resists and tells him that he’s definitely turning into a canine. His dad says maybe it’s time to start shaving and goes upstairs to get a razor. At which point, Cory looks at himself in the mirror and sees a werewolf staring back at him.

ecc9e0808e7f5208ec7727a79203a4b2So now here we are, where we started, with Cory writing his manifesto in ink, using a piece of a feather duster. Topanga then shows up, ready to go to the Halloween party. Cory tries to get rid of her before the full moon rises. But Topanga is confused by his freakout and tells him that he’s perfectly normal and needs to chill the eff out. (I’m paraphrasing.)

Cory’s all like, “I’m not a wolf! I’m not a wolf!” And then they share a kiss. And Topanga’s all like, “Yes, you are!” Lol, guyyyys he was never turning into a monster at all!

Very Special Halloween Lesson: Okay, this was really just about puberty. One really dramatic stress-response to hormonal changes.

Side Note: We’ve talked about Teen Witch. Do we need to Talk about Teen Wolf?

Dinosaurs: Steroids to Heaven

Over the past (nearly two!) years, we’ve covered a lot of highly sensitive topics. And thanks to the power of television, I think we’ve become better people along the way.

I mean what you were doing when you saw your lunchbox turn into a parrot before you had this blog to turn to for answers, huh?

Thankfully, we’ve had each other to lean on when life throws unexpected curve balls, but now I’d like to talk to you about a very important topic that we haven’t yet covered on The VSB: performance enhancing drugs.

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I personally thought the more pertinent topics of how to avoid witches while babysitting or how to respond when your boyfriend tries to sell your out-of-wedlock baby to some creepy baby broker when you’re just an average high school student  to be the more pressing topics that America’s youth needs answers to! But I’m not above admitting when I’m wrong, and Maria Sharapova’s recent revelation tells me that we should have talked about this a lot sooner. Which brings us to today’s episode, “Dinosaurs: Steroids to Heaven.”

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Dinosaurs was a weird little show that I thought was hilarious as a kid, but as an adult it mostly strikes me as creepy and weird. Dinosaurs was a traditional family sitcom, aside from the fact that the lead characters were puppets from the Jurassic age. It was kind of like The Flintstones meets Home Improvement, I guess.

I bet you’re thinking, what’s a show like this doing with a very special episode? Well, in the 90’s even dinosaur puppets were busy scaring America’s youth straight.

Robbie is the teenage son of this dinosaur family. He’s not doing so well with the ladies, and he feels like his lack of muscle tone is probably to blame for this. As his father tells him, “Chicks dig big guys.” Well, that’s news to me as a proverbial chick. And also it’s pretty terrible parenting. So Robbie decides to start pumping iron in the hope of transforming his “geekphysique” into that of a body builder.

But he doesn’t transform as quickly as he’d like. That’s when his friend, Spike, tells him about “thornoids.” Thornoids are these really terrifying creatures that look a lot like Gremlins (the wet kind). Robbie eats these Gremlin-like creatures and starts looking like the Arnold Schwarzenegger of dinosaurs.
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It doesn’t take long for the ‘roid rage to take hold because Robbie punches his romantic rival while they’re both trying to ask the cool dinosaur lady to the dance. Also, he’s starting to exhibit another unpleasant side-effect of Thornoids: he’s growing spikes…which actually seems like kind of an advantage in the dino-world…

But things quickly go downhill from here. He gets mad that his sister left a mess in the bathroom sink, so he picks up the sink and tosses it out the window. He even breaks his baby brother’s rattle. (Do be fair his baby brother is incredibly rude and the most obnoxious part of this show. He’s like a really, really lame version of Stewie from Family Guy.)

94a95956bfc2a802fc515b0d6837bcc5
But at one point in time, people liked him enough to buy a talking doll of Baby Sinclair.
He ends up on a terrible date with the cool lady dinosaur and comes to realize that the reason she never went out with him pre-Thornoids is that he never asked her. Omg. Seriously? She liked him before he had muscles and now she doesn’t like him (because of the ‘roid rage, understandably).

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So what does it take for Robbie to finally see that he’s headed down the wrong path? His spikes get so big that he accidentally gets stuck to a wall of lockers. I guess the Thornoids don’t make him strong enough to push himself off of the lockers, but whatever. His best friend gives him a lecture about the dangers of cheating on your body building.

By the next morning, the Thornoids have worn off and he’s back to normal. Except for a massive headache from his “Thornoid Hangover.” He then apologizes to his dad and offers to help him move the refrigerator (which he refused to do when he had tons of muscles and it would have been a lot easier, but that’s what Thornoids will do to you).

Very Special Lesson: Don’t eat weird spiky prehistoric creatures. I think that’s all something we can get behind, right?

Chopped: Sitcom Moms

600x600bb-85I’m going into uncharted territory here, Very Special Readers! This post covers food-blogging. Is that what you call it? Or cooking blogging? Cooking is not something I know much about, but if anyone can pull me out of my blogging comfort-zone then it’s Jackée Harry and Betsy Randle.

I’m more of a Cupcake Wars fan myself, but Chopped drew me in with this “sitcom mom” episode. Shout out to my boyfriend for interrupting my Disney Vacation to tell me this was on TV, but I had to track down the youtube link on my own when he falsely told me it was “live TV.”

The Contestants:
Tichina Arnold from Everybody Hates Chris
Betsy Randle from Boy Meets World
Jo Marie Payton from Family Matters
Jackée Harry from Sister, Sister

The Appetizer Round:
The Ingredients:
TV Dinners, Portobello Mushrooms, Fresh Spinach, Sour Cream

cqf-o6bu8aalqwwWhat I would have made: TV Dinner with diced mushrooms mixed in. Spinach and Sour Cream pudding. (Maybe saying cooking was “not something I know much about” is vast underestimation.)

What they made:
Tichina- Spinach salad (mushrooms, olive oil, fresh lemon, balsamic vinegar)
Jackée- Sautéed TV Dinner with Spinach
Jo Marie- Sautéed Mushrooms with Cajun Stuffing
Betsy- Mushroom and turkey casserole with garlic mashed potatoes on bed of spinach drizzled with champagne vinaigrette.

mv5bmjexodkzmti3nl5bml5banbnxkftztgwnda0njq5nje-_v1_uy1200_cr48506301200_al_Backstage: All of the moms are pretty disgusted that they had to use TV Dinners. Tichina hates this especially because she is competing for her Lupus charity and learned how to cook with fresh foods when her sister was diagnosed.

Who Got Chopped: The judges chopped Jo Marie because her mushrooms were under-cooked and she dumped too many spices into the stuffing. But Jackée mentioned earlier that she loves Jo Marie’s cooking, so I feel like this just wasn’t her night.

The Entree Round:
The Ingredients: Minute Steak, Rainbow Carrots, Cream of Celery Soup, French Toast


What I would have made
:
Carrot and celery soup with a french toast steak sandwich.

What they made:
Betsy- Seared minute steak with french toast stuffing and deep-fried carrots
Jackée- Celery Steak avec Carrots
Tichina- Tichina’s Pepper Steak Carnivale

The screw-ups: I’m pretty sure that Tichina is drunk on wine at this point and she’s also trying to throw Jackée off by gas-lighting her into thinking she messed up her carrots. Betsy forgets to use the cream of celery soup. Jackée mistakes cilantro for parsley and uses it as garnish. So really, I’m feeling like maybe the sitcom moms don’t know much more about cooking than I do.

Who Got Chopped: Tichina got chopped for basically not altering 75% of the ingredients from the basket.

The Dessert Round:
The Ingredients: Tiramisu, bananas, strawberry sauce, and almonds.

What I would have Made: Yuck, banana! I would have pureed the heck out of that banana with the strawberry sauce to off-set some of the banana yuck. Then I’d deconstruct that tiramisu and food-process some almonds to mix into it. And then I guess I’d make some kind of tiramisu almond strawberry parfait thing. 

screen-shot-2015-10-07-at-2-24-03-amWhat they made:
Betsy- Vanilla ice cream sundae topped with a dollop of tiramisu and almond goop
Jackée- Off-beat banana flambé au strawberry

Who Got Chopped: Betsy. Turns out only one of the judges liked her goop, but ultimately they didn’t like that she left the bananas as “just bananas.”

The Winner: Jackée! And she’s giving $10,000 to the Thurgood Marshall College Fund.